The Night Tristan Went Insane
by Catapult Turtle
Summary: Yup. Tristan's cracked. He's tired of being an unnaprietiated YuGiOh character. And with his band of five others they go for revenge in their random and insane ways. But will they succeed with their pink ducks and AC of doom?
1. The Night

Yup. I present you with my very own fanfic, The Night Tristan Went Insane. Revenge for the little guys who we forget about so easily. What pure chaos, terror and insanity will appear? Read on folks. And don't forget to review.

Note: Most of the italics are me writing in my point of view.

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, which is pretty obvious (I'm a thirteen year old inspiring writer/illustrator, not a 44 year old comic writer).

**The Night Tristan Went Insane**

**The Night**

Nobody likes me.

Everyone knows about the ever famous King of Games, Yugi, and his pet idiot, Joey. Even Tea is well known and drawn in bikinis by many yucky fan boys. _They_ are the "main" characters of the badly dubbed presentation of "Yuugiou! Duel Monsters!" But who's the other unimportant dude in the friendship circle?

Yugi. Joey. Tea. Marik. Bakura. Seto. Pharaoh Atemu. Everyday _they_ are flogged by countless fans for autographs. _They _are famous. _They _are cool. _They _have impossible-in-every-way-hairstyles like I do. But _they_ are not like me.

My name is Tristan and nobody likes me.

No one runs up to me screaming for autographs.

I never have a plot with main characters.

Yugi almost never talks to me.

My lasagna is done.

The point is I'm sick of it. I can handle the no fans, the insults, the no picture gallery for me sort of thing. Oh wait, I can't or I wouldn't be writing this. Well anyway, I'm tired of it all. Now is the time for… TELEMARKETERS!

_No, Tristan, it's time for REVENGE! Not TELEMARKETERS! _Whoa, who said that? _The ultimate almighty author! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! _Oh yeah. Well, I mix up telemarketers and revenge. _Don't make me give you an I-wonder-about-you-look._

Where was I?

Let's see, nobody likes me, my name is Tristan, pink ducks taste like ambulances, okay here we are. Now it is time for REVENGE!

For too long have I been treated as a minor character! Now is the time to strike!

Now is the time for my EVIL PLAN to be drawn out! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

¤

"And I was like 'Say what?' and Soren was like 'I like centipedes' and- oh wait Yugi, there's someone on my other line," Tea chattered away. Sadly, she didn't know Yugi had left the conversation 2 hours into the conversation. But Tea is a _teenager,_ and _teenagers _talk for hours on end, not letting in a single edgewise word.

"Tea?" It was the unmistakable voice of Tristan.

"Oh hi Tristan, wanna hear about what I did at the mall?"

"Sure! I mean no. Listen Tea, I've had enough!"

"Of pie?"

"No, of being an unappreciated, secondary, non-dueling in character in the badly dubbed version of "Yuugiou! Duel Monsters!" Emphasis on badly."

"That's not true! Everyone loves you, err, what's your name again? I keep forgetting."

"ARGH!" Tristan yelled, slamming his awesomely cute, yet illegally bought through the black market Pikachu phone. "Yugi! He'll listen!" Tristan decided and called the spiky headed King of Games.

"Good evening! Yugi speaking!"

"Hey Yugi, I'm tired of-"

"Oh, unimportant secondary character whose name I continually forget!" Yugi interrupted, sobbing. "I-I miss Pharaoh! Why did I totally kick his royalness in the Ceremonial Battle thing? WHY?" He broke into some more uncontrollable sobbing.

"Err, you should have lost then…"

"I MISS MY GRANDMA!"

"Okay…"

"What were you saying?" Yugi finally asked to bring end to the complete spoiler type randomness that will spell doom in this fic.

"I'm tired of being fanless… and unimportant."

"Well how do you think the insignificant people feel? The autographees? Huh? Do you think they feel like you do? Like they can be worse than you? You should think about them before blabbing 'boo hoo my soup's too cold."

"Err, I am one of those insignificant ones," Tristan pointed out.

"Oh, I'm so glad I could help!" Yugi cried, who clearly hadn't been paying attention to anything Tristan had said. "I feel better too! If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to call me!" And ignorant Yugi hung up on poor Tristan without another thought.

"That's it!" Tristan screamed. "Now it really is time for- Ow."

_I, the incredibly awesome author had thrown a shoe at Tristan's incredibly fat head. We already know it's REVENGE in caps. Don't be redundant!_

"Fine," he grumbled. "Now is the time to take back my stolen glory and assemble," insert bum bum BUM music here "OTHER INSIGNIFIGANT YU-GI-OH CHARACTERS! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!"

Sorry for the shortness. The second chapter will probably be up in ten minutes 0.O I've always felt bad for poor Tristan though. The scum of the friendship circle is what he is. So I decided to randomly and insanely make a fic where he fights back! You go Tristan!

And remember to review (pretty please?)


	2. The Call of The Idiots

Yep. Chapter two already! It ties so much with chapter 1 so I thought of releasing them together. Get ready, it'll be a character explosion!

**Chapter 2: The Call of the Idiots**

_Once upon a time, before there were kingdoms of owls, in a time of ever-raging wars, an owl was born to the country of the Great North Waters and his name was Hoole. _

Oops, sorry, right now I'm Guardians of Ga'Hoole-ified. Onto the rest of the chapter…

¤

And so Tristan propped up his phone book and looked for his very few friends- his crush, Serenity, Duke- the guy who put Joey in a dog suit, Yugi's Grandpa- who was the grandpa… of Yugi, and Rebecca Hopkins- who forced everyone who knew Yugi to call her and tell her all about Yugi.

For no reason, he called Duke first. There was the longest ring- and then…

"Hello?" asked Duke.

"Hey, it's Tristan."

"Wait, who are you again?"

"The fourth dude in the friendship circle," he growled. "Hey, Duke, are you tired of being an insignificant Yu-Gi-Oh character?"

"You bet! No one ever calls me!"

"Ah ha, well so am I," Tristan agreed. _Perfect_, he thought. "I was planning on calling a few others, so we could have revenge!"

"OHMYGOSHAREYOUCALLINGSERENIITYTOO?" Duke suddenly screamed.

"I'll- grr- tell- grr- her- grr- you- double grr e- said- grr- hi- GRR," Tristan growled. "I'm also calling Yugi's Grandpa and Rebecca."

"Oh, Glaux no," our dice spinning insane dude groaned. "NOT Rebecca. Anything but her."

"Why?"

"Remember when Yugi invited all of us and her for some tea while watching a Duel Monster tournament? And how I volunteered to host it?"

"Ummm…" Tristan recalled it. Wallpaper strewn on the ground. Holes through the roof. Live penguins with "LOVE YUGI 4EVER" painted all over them. Pain. Torture. Terror. Insanity.

"I'm still paying for the Pancake tortoises- those were the worst."

"But we need all the insanity we can possibly get," Tristan explained. "If we're going to take down Kaiba."

"Fine," Duke moaned. "But I want a lifetime supply of grenades before I go near that freak."

"Wish granted." And the tooth fairy came and planted a never ending supply of pineapple grenades on Duke's head. "You're next Serenity!" Tristan yelled with hearts in his eyes.

Suddenly, Tristan's long lost, yet sometimes mentioned in the Japanese version, brother popped in. "When are you going to pay me back for your trip to Egypt?"

"Why don't we discuss this later?"

"Baka. Fine. But it'll be your head next." And out he went.

"Ooookay. TIME FOR SERENITY!" He called Serenity (which happened to be on memory).

"Hello?"

"HI SERENITY! HOW ARE YOU DOING?" Tristan yelled.

"Oh, not again," Serenity groaned. "I'm doing fine Tristan."

"GREAT! I'm not though."

"Why?"

"I'm tired of being an unimportant, non-dueling Yu-Gi-Oh character! Are you?"

"You bet I am," she said as a dark, dark hidden side of Serenity popped up. "I can't stand that Yugi. He just prances around going 'I'M GAME KING 4 EVER!' and my poor brother spends more time with you guys than with me! SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO GO AND R-"

"Serenity," Tristan interrupted. "My you're-going-to-raise-the-fanfic-rating sense just exploded. Keep it PG."

"Sorry," she said in her usual sweet tone.

"So, want to help? Duke's joined."

"Duke, huh… Then I guess I'll join your mad and corrupted ways in a pursuit of evil and glory."

"OKAY! SEE YA SERENITY!" Two down, two to go. Next victim- was Yugi's Grandpa. And so Tristan called him.

"Hello? This is Yugi's Grandpa, and his mother's dad."

"Hi," greeted Tristan. "Hey do you feel unappreciated?"

"OF COURSE I DO!" the old coot screamed without warning. "It's always about the youngsters! Why can't I be the focal point? Who sweeps the shop and earns money kind of sorta! In fact, it makes me cry!" And the grown man burst into tears.

"Good, would you like to join me and co on a journey to right these wrongs in an utmost insane and random fashion?" Tristan asked.

"You bet. Hey, you sound a bit insane today…" And a phone going BEEP BEEP BEEP was his only reply.

Now just Rebecca. And our insane little focal point called her the long distance way.

"YUGI!" Rebecca yelled.

"I'm Tristan."

"HOW'S MY YUGI?"

"Fine, but Rebecca, can I ask you something?"

"As long as I can say YUGI, you bet you can."

"What if Yugi stopped dueling for a while? You know, then he'd have more time to travel and see intercontinental friends…"

"YUGI! YUGI! YUGI! YUGI- THAT'D BE- BE" and she passed out for an X amount of seconds.

"Want to join an alliance designed to rise up and claim what is ours? Let's go!"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME AND MY YUGI? OF COURSE I'LL JOIN AND VISIT BY STAYING AT YUGI'S! GOTTA GO SEE MY YUGI!" And in ten seconds flat, driven by hormones and who knows what, Rebecca was at Yugi's door.

"Muhahahahahahaha," Tristan chuckled. "It's all in place. My EVIL plan will be drawn out. And it all starts with my Air Conditioner of doom and Kaiba…" And in the typical evil way, Tristan did all that MUHAHAHAHAHAHAA jazz.

¤

You go Tristan! But I really wasn't kidding about the Tristan's brother thing. In Episode 200, Tristan admits he "borrowed" money from his brother to go to Egypt. How I know this? Shifty eyes Have five bucks and stay silent. And at the very end of Yugioh DM (all good things must come to an end), when Yugi and co get off the plane, Rebecca appears out of nowhere and tackles Yugi in a tight hug (NEVER underestimate hormones), and when Serenity walks over to Joey, Duke and Tristan run up before her big brother, and only grabbing them by their coats can he keep them from his sister.

Will we find out what an Air Conditioner (AC) of Doom will spells for Yugi and the populars? Does Tristan really know how to get rid of Kaiba? Will I stop asking Stupid Annoying Questions (SAQ)? Find out in the next chapter of TNTWI (the Night Tristan Went Insane)!


	3. The AC of DOOM

Hello my pretties. You knew you couldn't escape! Hey I have a review! And here to comment on my comment is Tristan himself:

**zigguratank**- Yes go me! And you bet those Doom characters can go insane (and probably will later!)

On to the chappie!

**Chapter 3: AC of Doom!**

And so Tristan began the horrific task of- THINKING! gasp

"Hmmm, Tristan thought aloud. "I could always just call for an appointment to talk to Kaiba and steal everything that he ever had… But that's not insane and random enough. I KNOW! I'll need an army of pink ducks and an Air Conditioner!"

Luckily for Tristan, he had a 'Pink Duck Army and Air Conditioner Mart' two blocks down the street. So he went and got that stuff, got hit in the head with a beaver and manically laughed all the way home.

"NOW MY PLAN WILL BE COMPLETE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA," he laughed as he unpackaged his new AC. With a permanent marker, he wrote the words DOOM on it, making it 4000 more evil. Then he turned to his pink duck army. "Attention pink ducks! Right now it is humanely impossible to give you proper food or housing. So I'm just going to stuff you in my damp, dark closet filled with rotting things!" With the power of literary impossibility, he shoved everyone into his dark, damp closet filled with rotting things. While doing this, his EVIL! plan was finally snapping into place and so, he called Duke.

"I finally have my plan filled with absolute randomness and insanity!" Tristan yelled into the phone.

"What is it?" Duke asked.

"You see, while putting away my army of pink ducks, I found the way to beat Kaiba- I remembered that the mesothorax, according to its properties, is seen in many insects of today as well as insects which causes us to believe it is a necessity to be an insect!"

"What does that mean?"

"Beats me, but Kaiba's power is in his trench coat!"

"Of course!" Duke exclaimed. "Although that holds absolutely no evidence in scientific fact you're completely right due to the fact this authoress is insane and changing the rules of reality as we know them!"

"Oh no, that's because she writes this between watching pre-Duelist Kingdom and Yu-Gi-Oh! GX episodes! Hey mail has just landed on my head. Let's read it:

_Dear Tristan, Duke and my other little puppets in this fic,_

_Drop it. Just because pre-Duelist Kingdom episodes have a girly voiced malnourished anorexic Yugi, who has a mad grandpa, which is filled with PG-13 innapropriateness, an endless stream of curses and the fact Tristan is part honor student/part janitor (it's great), doesn't give you any right to criticize me. Do it again, and a 42 ton meteor will happen to miss everyone but you two._

_Cheerio,_

_The Author._"

"So when are we going to Kaiba Corp?" asked Duke who was ever carefully watching the skies for airplanes, jets, pink ducks and 42 ton meteors.

"TODAY! Because preparation is for losers!" Our insane focal point yelled and was at Duke's door in a matter of seconds. "Let's get Rebecca and Yugi's Grandpa!"

Luckily they only had to go to one place for both, since Rebecca was staying with Yugi anyway.

And when Tristan and Duke got there, they contained their surprise when they saw a huge rocket with "LOVE YUGI 4EVER" painted all over it that had crashed into the house. And when they went in the shop, Yugi's Grandpa was in a corner, shivering with fear. And that's when Rebecca with a half dead Yugi in hand showed up. She was wearing Yugi's clothes (for his convenience Yugi bought 7 school uniforms) and was pretty much foaming at the mouth.

"Uhhh, Rebecca, we have to go defeat Kaiba with our insane plot of death and destruction," Duke said in a trembling voice.

"Not without YUGI!" That's when Yugi's grandpa got up and wattled over to Tristan and Duke.

"It's okay, Rebecca," Yugi choked. "It would make me happy if you went with them." And so Rebecca began crying.

"You d-don't like me anymore, do you YUGI?" she sobbed.

"No, it's not like that," Yugi said in his normal pacifist way even though he was half dead. "But I have things to do."

"Fine, YUGI, but you better be home when I'm back!"

"Hey is anyone else noticing YUGI is in every sentence she speaks?" Duke pointed out. Yugi's Grandpa had a well-duh sort of face as the four merrily walked down the Yellow Brick Road to meet the Wizard of Oz—

Oh wrong story… They all walked with horror and despair to the large gloomy Kaiba Corp Skyscraper where millions of birds lost their lives on. Filled with excitement, Tristan flung open the door to reveal--- a receptionist.

"Do you have an appointment?"

"Uhhh, no," Tristan said. "But I'm clinically insane. Will that work?"

"The clinically insane people can only come when- hey you forgot Serenity in this chapter," the receptionist suddenly said. "It's not nice to exclude people."

"Oh no!" Tristan and Duke yelled. "Now we have to find her too."

"No need," the receptionist said and pulled off a mask to reveal she actually was Serenity. That's when the real receptionist came.

"Gasp!" she gasped. "If you're going to see Kaiba, three journeys you must peril. Up the elevator your challenges await!" So our group of insane people got on the elevator _for infinite torture…_

"Test 1," the elevator said and stopped. A computer magically appeared in front of our heroes.

"It's an online test," Tristan observed. "Question 1: If all roses are red, and all tulips are blue, what are feet? I'm no good at this stuff… Any answers?"

"C!" Duke yelled.

"YUGI!" Rebecca answered.

"I don't know!" Yugi's Grandpa shouted.

"Err, we'll use Yugi for that one. Question 2: If you were a cube, and I was a square, what would a 20th century poet be?"

"C!"

"YUGI!"

"I don't know!"

"I'll choose Yugi for that one too. Question 3: What color socks am I wearing?"

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

"Well, it looks like we'll choose Yugi again. Final Question: If you were all clinically insane, and the author was too, and Charizard likes pie, what would an owl x 9 equal?"

"C!"

"YUGI!"

"I don't know!"

"Meh, Yugi again," Tristan sighed. "Let's see our score: you scored 0 out of 4215783! AWESOME!" The elevator began working again and brought them to a second quest with a second receptionist.

"Now for the ULTIMATE TORTURE!" she said as four other computers magically appeared in the elevator. And each turned to Yu-Gi-Oh! Romance fics! MUHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! "You must read through every romance fic in the Yu-Gi-Oh! Database! MUHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"No!" Serenity screamed as Yugi's Grandpa, Duke and Tristan joined her. But Rebecca living under the laws of Yugism had to scream "YUGI, noooooo!" instead.

So they began. "They first met at the lake in the late fall. They fell in love. He was summoned to war. She waited for him. This isn't just a story about a soldier who was a boy but my Autumn Boy. Seto x Serenity," Serenity read aloud. "WHERE DO THEY GET THESE PAIRINGS ANYWAY?"

"NOOOO!" Tristan pointed to the screen. "Birthday present for Honda XD Honda-Jou (Joey). Hints at one-sided Kaiba-Anzu and Kaiba-Honda- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?"

"It can't be, my YUGI," Rebecca cried. In front of her were at least 10 fics with MokubaxRebecca on them. "YUGI WHERE ARE YOU IN THIS MESS?" Thankfully she found her Yugi fics in the mess, especially the ones with the weirdest pairings imaginable and are not even supported by anime or manga (which happens to backfire a lot of the pairings). Duke was the only one who couldn't read on and was having a seizure on the floor. Yugi's Grandpa was the only unphased one.

"Oh please," he croaked. "None about me… IT'S NEVER ABOUT ME!" And he broke into a zillion pieces and started crying.

13,100 ROMANCE FICS LATER

"MY EYES! MY INNOCENCE! THEY'RE BURNING!" Serenity yelled, falling to the ground.

"Next, challenge," the receptionist said, "is to eat pudding."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Serenity thought.

"You've cursed the pudding," Yugi's Grandpa thought. And sure enough-

"You didn't let me finish," the receptionist said. "I mean, black pudding. Made from every part of the pig, using the liver stomach heart, parts from the head, all boiled in pig blood. That's why it's black. It's popular in some country in Europe! Have fun!" But when she bent down to give them the deadly mixture, her mask fell off and it turned out she was really-

"Bakura?" Tristan gasped. Yep, with his snowy white hair fluffing out to its maximum fluffability, there was Bakura.

"Ummm, I can explain," he insisted. "I found out the plan when a crazed fanfic writer grabbed me and threw me in a trash can, and I wanted to come… And I need a summer job. You see, after Duelist Kingdom, I was always shown eating, unconscious or being controlled by Yami Bakura who to my misfortune, is a psycho tombrobber who wants to kill the Pharaoh. But now I don't have the Ring, so could I tag along?"

"Whatever," Tristan said. "But do we really have to eat this just to visit Kaiba?"

"No," he responded. "Didn't you see the "Skip pointless journeys" button next to the up and down arrows?" insert anime fall here

"WHAT!" Serenity cried. "All that torture for nothing?"

"Pretty much," Bakura replied in his normal optimistic way. "But sadly, you still have to eat the black pudding. I'm vegetarian!"

"Hey, is that black pudding?" Yugi's Grandpa had been sleeping for a while. "I LOVE black pudding and the pointless slaughtering of animals! Whee!" And dug into the pudding, with black flinging everywhere.

ONE BOWL OF BLACK PUDDING LATER

The elevator started up again, with the hearts of our insignificant heroes burning with courage. They had to succeed. If they didn't, the very world could be at risk- for um something bad to happen whoooo. Suddenly, the elevator stopped and the doors opened. And at the desk was their target, Kaiba. And more importantly, his death defying trench coat.

As you can see, I have very strong opinions on romance. Some pairings are just plain weird. There really are 13,100 K-T romance fics, unless my math is wrong. I know it's odd saying all that stuff about romance and have some pairings in my own fic (but at least these are clearly shown in the anime and have evidence more than imagination). And black pudding really is a famous dish in some European country (I think Belgium)...

I really wasn't planning to put in Bakura, but the moment needed the irony. Besides hikari Bakura is so loved, but appears so little.

Don't get me started on the mesothorax... Fictional it may be, but caused by the imagination of my own father it was.

AC of Doom and Pink ducks will pop up later. I'll try to update this as much as I can. Watch out for the insane idiots and don't forget to review.

See ya!


	4. Tutu?

Yes, I've returned! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME! MUHAHAHAHAHA! And here to respond to my beautiful reviewers is Serenity:

Bakura Girl- Just wait till you see this chapter, with magpies, mockingbirds, tutus and reference to hamsters. Even if one peculiar hamster is such a pain... I know where you live (or at least Catapult Turtle does)

Atem's Queen- Tristan's not my favorite character either. Anywho, he's kind of cool. Go Tristan anyway! Since he's my big brother's friend!

Thank you Serenity, and now to the fanfic!

Note: This chapter has 2 inappropriate references. Don't like it? TOO BAD!

**Chapter 4: Tutu?**

But even more importantly than that death-defying trench coat was that-

"Why is Kaiba wearing a tutu?"

-I was getting there. Anyway, Kaiba stood utterly embarrassed to see friends of Yugi in his elevator, wearing a pretty pink tutu over his pants.

"Um, I can explain," he said. "MOKUBA!"

And Mokuba- who happens to have good relations with flying bison- suddenly came through the window, wearing a red tutu. "It's National Tutu Day!"

After a bunch of "oh yeahs", "that's rights" and "I forgots", they also realized the DOOM duelists were sitting in a corner with Tristan's AC of Doom (trademark).

"Waaaaait a minute," Tristan said. "What are you guys doing with my AC of Doom?"

"Heh heh heh," said Dartz. "This is our AC. For free."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look, it says 'DOOM.' We are the DOOM duelists. Therefore it is ours."

"What kind of logic is that?" Tristan asked. "GIVE IT BACK!"

"Is YOUR name on it?" Raphael asked. Tristan shook his head.

"Or maybe it is…" So Tristan searched around the AC and found- "Honda!" Hey, I was getting there. Anyway, Honda had manufactured this Air Conditioner. Yeah, the car company. Honda is Tristan's last Japanese name.

"Something's suspicious," the tutued Kaiba said. "Why on earth would a car company make ACs as well?"

"Honda makes lawnmowers, Samsung made the building our fanfic writer is currently in, Goldstar makes TVs and microwaves," Duke continued to count the other trillions of things made by weird wide ranging companies. Of course, nobody paid any attention to him… so anyway…

"Mine!" Tristan yelled, but as he pushed Dartz away to finally use his 4000 percent evil AC, he suddenly grew smaller into a-

"Hamster!" Serenity screamed!

-What's up with you people and interrupting the narrator? Do you think it's fun, or easy to be a narrator? IT'S NOT! I'm trapped in a dark room- and all I can do is narrate and I'm A FAILURE IN LIFE! ARE YOU HAPPY?

Oh sorry, back to the story. Tristan had turned into a hamster. Kawaii! But all Tristan could sigh is, "Why do I always turn into the animals? Why?" That's simple- Catapult Turtle has a sick and twisted sense of humor. In fact-

"Narrator, we don't want to know," Duke said. "But how did Tristan turn into a hamster?"

"He must have hit the 'Turn into a hamster switch' conveniently located behind him," a random mockingbird said. "The only way to change back is by going to first season Yugioh." And then someone reading _To Kill a Mockingbird_ killed the mockingbird- I mean the mockingbird grew very tired and slept on the ground, without breathing or moving.

"I have the turn into the hamster button," Seto started, "to keep away the character bashers and fan girls."

"How does it work?" asked Serenity.

"By using the powers of the nonexistent 'heart of the cards' and 'Shadow Realm' the dub keeps talking about. I mean these weren't even in the Japanese version."

"What do you expect from 4Kids?" asked Tristan in a squeaky ham-ham voice.

"Oh, he's so cute!" Duke squealed. "I love hamsters! They're so soft and cuddly and- why is everyone staring at me?" asked Duke as he picked up Tristan.

"You wouldn't understand," Yugi's Grandpa said. "Now how to get that trench coat…"

"Come, my pink duck army," Tristan yelled, and they came right through the window in pretty pink tutus (National Tutu Day is for everyone!).

"Pink Ducks!" Kaiba screamed. "I'M ALLERGIC TO PINK DUCKS!" Seto started to run around the room, which was pretty hard considering the fact that he's so tall, and he's wearing a tutu.

"Go for the trench coat," a Pink Duck (_Pinkius Duckalious_) told the rest. Kaiba was still panicking as much as he good, until he finally tripped on his own trench coat and landed flat on his face. Then, the Pink Ducks came and pulled off the coat, thus making our favorite CEO (SETO IS BETTER THAN DARTZ rdfhfjhndf) completely powerless.

"Let's get his deck," said Yugi's Grandpa as the Doom characters mysteriously dissolved into the wind, although there can't be wind in a building. Yugi's Grandpa opened Seto's metal briefcase o' doom (not Doom, just doom and this one has Kaiba's logo on it, so back off Varon). After doing the happy dance with the Blue Eyes, Kaiba (who is currently frozen and unpowered) was starting up his allergic reactions. Now don't worry, Mokuba always carries Epi Pen around.

Because Tristan is clinically insane, he jumped out of the window rather than using the elevator in his hamster state, with everyone but Bakura (because he's sane), Serenity (because she enjoys watching people in pain), and Rebecca (because she was wondering about what Yugi would look like in a tutu). When they had all reached the ground in painful or less painful ways, they had to use the small scrap of info given about 2 minutes ago: to change back Tristan they'd have to delay, go into a STUPID, pointless subplot in YGO! First series- the one that follows volume 1-7 of the manga somewhat-ish and was completely edited out by 4Kids for the sheer violence, cursing, confusion, evil yo-yos (I'm not making this stuff up, people), and violence again. Therefore they'd have to go to their local Odd Stuff Shop (trademark) and get a "Transfer-me-to-first-season-YGO-button" which being a plastic button defies logic so much that logic explodes causing you to be sucked into first season YGO where logic is like an empty peanut shell. And so off they went, with Duke carrying Tristan along in his pocket.

"He's such a cute hamster," Duke thought aloud.

"Stop it Duke," Tristan squeaked back. Duke pet him on the head.

"Good boy." Tristan bit him.

"That's okay, all untamed hamsters do that," Duke continued as he pet Tristan again, only to get bitten again.

"That's it Duke, I'll carry Tristan," Serenity said. "Honestly, if this goes on, you won't have a hand left." Duke reluctantly traded over his new "pet" and Serenity didn't stuff him in her shirt pocket for obvious reasons, and just held him all the way there.

When they got there, Duke split off to find hamster food, and Bakura went off to find some hair dye (how do you think he keeps his hair so white?) leaving Serenity, Tristan, Rebecca and Yugi's Grandpa to find the button.

"So where do you think it is?" Asked Tristan.

"Let's try that display next to the sign that reads 'HEY FOOLS! SALE ON TRANSFER-ME-TO-FIRST-SEASON-YGO-BUTTONS!" Serenity suggested.

"Hey, they have pictures of YUGI on them," Rebecca noted.

"Shouldn't we get those other peoples first?" Yugi's Grandpa asked. And by the power of mere coincidence, Duke and Bakura suddenly came back.

"Hey, hammy!" Duke said, ripping open the hamster food bag (although it is resealable). "Have a sunflower seed!"

"Err, thanks?" squeaked Tristan who picked up the humongous seed and nibbled at it.

"He's so cute when he's eating," Yugi's Grandpa randomly said.

"Well, let's all hold hands and I'll press the button," Serenity decided.

"But I'm not done with the sunflower seed…"

"And I'm not done feeding the hammy. This is three pounds and it cost me eight bucks. I mean, what's up with that?"

"Tristan, my YUGI sense tells me you can hoard it. My YUGI sense is also telling Duke to give the leftovers to the needy hamsters at Small Angels Rescue Group Inc. (Trademark)." So they all held each other's hands and paws as Serenity pressed the button that would zap them into a horrible world of bad animation, bad words, wEiRdNeSs and reference to porn tapes. Yes the world of 1st season YGO awaited them and the perils-

"Hey, narrator (who happens to be the fic writer's little puppet), could you hurry it up so I can press the button?" Serenity interrupted. Oh whatever. Serenity pressed the button and they all landed in Domino High School, the 1st season way. Which means they all conveniently landed on the poor girls, Anzu (Tea) and Miho (a classic throw away character with blue hair and an orange uniform).

"Miho-Chan!" It was Tristan. Or some would say it was. No, this was Honda, our Japanese Tristan with a major crush on scatterbrained Miho.

"What happened?" asked Tristan. He had been returned to normal. Or that's what he thought!

"You've been sucked in an episode of Yuugiou! Shadow Games," observed Yugi, who looked even shorter and higher-pitched than ever.

Before Tristan could say a thing, the opening had begun:

_Just walk a bit further along the road like this, shoulder to shoulder…_

_Counting the dreams that are becoming further away…_

_Seeing the gradually lessening friends…_

_At this moment I am lost in the familiar streets…_

_And created the other side of myself in the darkness._

_A yell of thirst,_

_As if piercing the heart already filled with depression,_

_I want to invite you to see this world with me, (Come along with me!)_

_Inside my heart are answers no one else has,_

_Find the crucial key,_

_Then, Fly At Higher Game!_

"Huh? What kind of opening song was that? Although the tune was catchy."

"Who knows?" It was Joey, or rather Jonouchi. In fact everyone was there, Yugi, Honda, Anzu, Miho and of course Jonouchi as I've just said. "You look like Honda."

"I am Honda- but in the dub, they call me Tristan." Tristan stopped and looked at the 1st series characters. They all needed more shading and better colors and outlines. Tristan looked back only to gawk. The ones in the series already had turned their original colors, Serenity's hair was pink, Bakura's eyes were green, Yugi's Grandpa was wearing a pink shirt under beige overalls, but Rebecca and Duke, who never appeared in the series remained the same. Tristan looked at his hands. It was poorly outlined and was in desperate need of more shading. "WHAT THE (insert explicit word here) is going on? Wait, did I just curse?"

"Yes, you (explicit)er, you did. In first season YGO everyone does. There's an average of 3-4 swears per episode." Jonouchi said. "Now why do you look like Honda?"

"I am him, but I'm the new version of him, but since we're here, I downgraded," Tristan explained. "These are my friends and- Rebecca what are you doing?"

"It's YUGI…" Rebecca quietly said. "HE'S SO KAWAII IN THIS SERIES, YUGI!" She yelled, and tackled him.

"Hey, get off of Yugi!" Tea growled.

"Hurting Miho's friends makes Miho very angry!" Miho said too.

"And what makes Miho angry makes Honda angry!"

"It's o-okay," Yugi stammered in his very cute 1st season voice. "But who are you?"

"You don't know who I am, YUGI?" Rebecca cried. "I'll fill my YUGI in. One day, YUGI came around with the supposedly stolen Blue Eyes. When I dueled YUGi, I fell in love. The end, my YUGI."

"When was this?" Yugi asked Duke. "And who are you?"

"I'm Duke, Otogi in Japan. It was after Duelist Kingdom in the filler arc. Remember?"

"Duelist Kingdom?" All of the first series characters asked.

"Guys, it's before their time," our pink haired Serenity finally said.

"Hey, you're- SHIZUKA?"

"No, I'm Serenity from the Duel Monsters version of this show," Serenity explained as everyone got up. "We're from another world. And we need to get back."

"Well, why don't you use this 'GO-BACK-TO-YGO-DM-button' I have?" offered Honda. "These were at a one day sale, which is on today."

"Hey can I see it?" asked Ryo Bakura (Oh, I'll just call him Ryo). Ryo was holding it so nicely that when Duke suddenly dropped the hamster food all over him, the button angled at the chalkboard, causing the button to turn into a magpie and float away.

"Oops," Duke said. "My bad. And we don't even need the food."

"AHH!" Honda yelled. "You've dirtied the floor! As part of the Beautification Committee, it is my duty to save the earth from dirtiness!" Honda pulled out a broom from absolutely nowhere and began cleaning.

"He's a janitor," Jonouchi whispered to the other Tristan. "Since Honda has your real name, let's call you by your first, Hiroto."

"As long as everyone else can keep their names," Hiroto decided. "But can we call Yugi's Grandpa YG? Saying 4 syllables hurts my brains…"

_Of course dear_. _I, the superb fanfic writer hereby declare on the name of the sea turtles that Yugi's Grandpa will now be known as YG. May God hear my answer and give his approval._

_Amen._

"Oh, and do you know where we can get another button?" asked Ryo, holding the crushed one and sobbing.

"Yeah, at the place where we got the other one," Yugi said happily with Rebecca holding his hand. "I'll go too."

"We'll all go. Besides they're having a sale on porn tapes- I mean corn crepes," Jonouchi said with shifty eyes.

"What are we waiting for? Let's go!" YG said and all of them skipped class to go retrieve the button.

* * *

Will our heroes (or villians who are trying to overthrow the heroes) get the button? Or will something terribly bad happen, forcing them into a another subplot? Or maybe I'm just insane? Well, the Suspending Turtle of Ultimate Doom agrees. Will Hiroto (Tristan) get out of this mess and get to Yugi to take him down? Well, even I don't know that, so go Tristan! anyway!

Till next week, see ya Lovers! And don't forget to review!


	5. A Field Study of an Extreme Pallid Jird

Hello everyone. School's started so I'll probably update every Friday henceforth. THis chapter was sort of forced on me, and I certainly don't consider it to be my best. FRIENDLY KAIBAS ARE SCARY!

Well, Duke was going to respond to my fabulous reviewers, but seeing as_**I have none**- Poor Duke will have to wait._

Duke: That's not fair!

Catapult Turtle: Blame the readers then!

Anyway onto the story which is filled with connections... GO TRISTAN!

**Chapter 5: A Field Study of an Extreme Pallid Jird**

And so everyone (Tristan in his unhamsterified form, Duke, Serenity, Ryo, Rebecca, YG, First season Yugi, Anzu, Honda, Miho and Jonouchi) all walked down the street to the store where the GO-BACK-TO-YGO!-DM buttons were sold, which for legal reasons we will call "Small Mart." Yep, it was pretty boring. That is until they came to the darker alleys of 1998 Domino…

"We have to be careful," Yugi said, still holding Rebecca's hand, "This is the place where the evil yo-yo gang lives."

"Evil yo-yo gang?" asked Ryo, who is the one of the few sane people left in this cartoon universe.

"They use yo-yo's to attack people," explained Honda. "But really, plastic hurts. Jonouchi used to be with them, but he overthrew the leader with a 'walk the dog.'"

"I think they're having troubles with the pink panda plushie gang anyway," added Jonouchi. That's when for no reason, the evil yo-yo gang appeared- with yo-yos! (gasp)

"NO, NOT THE YO-YOS!" all of our ignored characters screamed as they ran for their very lives.

"HA! You cannot escape us!" The punky leader said as he was making an Eiffel tower design with his yo-yo, causing- err I don't know, the writer has a bit of a block, sooo let's just say it did something bad… I'll give you five dollars if you do… I mean, back to the story.

So as the evil yo-yo gang did something bad to our hero-type people, they did not notice their greatest threat was just behind them-

"GET BACK EVIL DOERS!" A small voice squeaked. There was a flash of awesome yo-yo skills from the holder of the voice and the gang members went home with band-aids that appeared from nowhere in the power of anime. Well, everyone stopped, looking for their hero.

"Where'd he go?" asked YG.

"Maybe he's like Spiderman," wondered Tristan. "You know, he comes, does his work and leaves?"

"Actually, I'm down here," the voice squeaked. They all looked down. There was an adorable little gerbil, with pale orange fur and wolf markings, a furless tail, and the cutest eyes you may ever hope to see. He was on a mini dark blue skateboard, and had a red-white-and-blue cap held in the backwards way. And he had this awesome bracelet that had spikes on it (like Bowser)! He was cute! Kawaii! And fashionable! And he was a rodent! Next to him was a yellow yo-yo. "I saved you," the gerbil said.

"Oh, KAWAII!" Duke squealed, as he grabbed the gerbil and gave him a big hug. "He's a Pallid Jird, _Gerbilius perpallidus_! There's no way we're going without him!"

"Yeah, you're right," Anzu said. "Maybe he knows the way there. We don't."

"You mean we've been aimlessly walking around for hours?" asked YG.

"Yeah, pretty much," Anzu answered. "So, can you come along with us?"

"Well, it's not like I have any important skateboarding to do," the Pallid jird said. "What the hay? I'll come." Meanwhile, Duke was sketching pictures of the cute little rodent, and taking plenty of pictures.

"I'm going to make a new rodent book," he announced to everyone. "I'll call it _A Field Study of an Extreme Pallid Jird_. It's so perfect!" Duke squealed again, and gave our nameless gerbil a kiss on the nose.

"I think he's insane," the gerbil whispered to Tristan after leaning through another death defying hug.

"Don't worry, I am too," Tristan answered pretty stupidly. But hey, with insanity comes stupidity.

So the gerbil, on his dark blue skateboard that had an awesome lightening bolt running down it, skated closer to Small Mart. But-

"Hi, I'm Kaiba. I like games." A green haired Kaiba with yellow eyes appeared from a corner, almost causing our kawaii little rodent to fall!

"Oh, hello, I don't believe we've met," Yugi said, shaking Kaiba's hand. Yeah, they hadn't because this episode is a hodge-podge of hold episodes in unchronological order. And now, my friends get ready for- BUM, BUM, BUUUM- FRIENDLY KAIBA!

"I like games? Do you?"

"Yes," everyone replied, except for Rebecca who added YUGI after her yes.

"Hey maybe we could all get together and play a bunch of games!" Kaiba said. _And maybe I can get that Blue Eyes from stupid YG._

"But-" Tristan started, and never finished. They were all taken into a limo to Kaiba's mansion, where they played games. All of the first series characters were having a blast. But our DM friends were afraid opening a box might really trigger a blast. But Kaiba remained friendly. It was plain unnatural. Scary and wrong and sick.

"Oh, and YG, could I see that ultimate rare card you've got?" asked Kaiba before they left.

"No," he answered back.

"Why?"

"I said no."

"That's not very nice," Yugi said. "Kaiba was so friendly and hospitable. If he could only have one look, I'm sure he'd be satisfied."

"Yeah, just wanna look at it." _And switch it with a copy_, Kaiba added in his head.

"Your friendliness makes me sick," YG answered and left without another thought, assuming he thinks. Everyone else except Kaiba followed, because- well, I don't know why, but that's not the point.

So we could go through the adventures against the pink ponies, ninjas, assorted lip glosses and income tax our heroes faced on the way to Small Mart, but we've got things to do today, so I'll just shut up. Anyway, they got to Small Mart, got the button and were ready to return to their world. And they did the standard paying procedure after begging Anzu for some money, were ambushed by some more pink ponies etc., and went to Anzu's house for the night cause they felt like it. Hey, I told ya the writer has writer's block- and, hey a letter. Let's read:

_Dearest Narrator,_

_Your narrating days are over._

_Fairest wishes, Catapult Turtle_

Huh? Ahhh! Catapult Turtle is here! OW! OOPH! GAHHH!

_Sorry about that folks. I'm the new narrator so italics will be turned off. _That's better. Now where were we?

Oh, yeah, they were attacked by some more pink ponies as they walked outside with the button for only $67.0786555! And since dialogue is needed to fuel the plot:

"Hey, Yugi, I just thought of a new shipping," Anzu said. Yugi was still holding Rebecca's hand, or rather she was holding his.

"What is it?" asked first season Yugi.

"WeevilxAkunadin. I call it Irrelevant-time-shipping!" She said triumphantly.

"What do you mean, 'I call it?'" asked Serenity.

"Oh, Anzu's made every anime shipping to date," Honda explained. "From SetoxSerenity, to Ash's PokedexXMisty's Pokedex, she's made them all."

"Wow," Tristan said, as they walked through the badly animated world with badly animated people. "CARROT STICKS!"

"FRUIT PIE YUGI!" Rebecca screamed randomly. Sadly, she did not know that saying FRUIT PIE YUGI in Japan may bring town-destroying cockerels, as that is their breeding call, also known as _Massivilia Desilio Chikenmaybenotreallyno_. Suddenly, the sun blotted out as the huge chickens came closer and closer and closer-

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" a random mockingbird said who was killed (or fell asleep and didn't move or breathe) by some dude who was reading _To Kill A Mockingbird_. However, as the chicken neared, a one-in-a-million years dimension portal appeared out of nowhere.

"We're being sucked in!" The extreme Pallid Jird squealed as they were being flunged (I make up the darnest words) into the dimension portal. As they flew through time and space, fought some more ponies and saw Kaiba singing karaoke, they were flung into Duel Monsters- with one slight problem.

"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?" Tristan demanded a now revamped Jonouchi.

"It seems we 'happened' to have gotten in the portal too," Honda said.

"You held on our pant legs, didn't you?" YG asked in a statement kind of way.

"Yeah," admitted Anzu, who now looked like our DM Tea. Even Miho had been changed. She now looked very pretty (and the one writing this sentence is a girl…) but was still quite dopey, even with more shading, highlights and better edges and colors.

Of course, all of our heroes had conveniently landed in one of the few parts of the Atacama where rain has never even been recorded. But since life makes no sense…

"I can get us back to Japan," the gerbil said. "Now, put your hands together…"Everyone, including the gerbil, put their hands and paws together in the typical way like the first episode. The gerbil pulled out a bottle marked with "friendship." "This will hurt a little." He gave it a spray and they somehow returned to Japan (it was pixie magic I TELL YOU dgdfhgfhgf).

"Wow, thanks so much kawaii gerbil hero!" Duke said, turning a bit chibi.

"Wait, did you say hero?" The gerbil said as he started to vanish in thin air. "The hero cycle developed by some dead dude 37 years ago says after I do my heroic duty, then I disappear or die. So see ya, peeps!" Duke cried, cursing himself for not getting more pictures of the extreme Pallid Jird.

"Well, we have a bit of a problem," Tristan said. "Since you are now main characters, I'm gonna have to get rid of you too, but if I call you heroes who've already had their decisive victory, you'll go away…" Yugi, Jonouchi, Honda, Anzu and Miho were already fading.

"YUGI!" Rebecca screamed as he faded away.

"Be sure to watch my show and see me around, Rebecca," first series Yugi said before completely disappearing.

"That was weird," Ryo noticed.

"Yeah," Serenity said.

"Well, now we can finally create a plan to get rid of everyone and finally use the AC of doom and pink ducks!" Tristan finally said.

"Let's have it over dinner!" YG said. "Yugi's treat."

"YUGI?" Rebecca asked, confused.

"I sold him to the part-time slave market. I mean, no one ever goes to my store. My last customer was Caesar. Spell check hates me. Young ones hate me. And they love me. But they think I'm a stalker, which is only partially true." Serenity blinked. And blinked again.

"Touch me and die," Serenity said simply.

"Oh well. The point is we can pay for the food. Let's go to some unknown restaurant that has terrible singers! It's called the Army Club!"

"Okay," Ryo said and so they marched to the Army club, where there was a pond filled with-

"Oh, WOW!" Duke screamed. "OHMYGLAUXTHISPONDHASRED-EAREDSLIDERS (_TRACHMEYS SCRIPTA ELEGANS)! _IT'S SOOOO KAWAIIIIII!"

Next to Duke is our favorite fic writer, I, Catapult Turtle, who is currently screaming I LOVE RED-EARS at the top of my lungs. TURTLES ARE SO KAWAII

Anyway, they managed to pry Duke away from the kawaii turtles and entered inside. There wasn't much decoration, and on stage performers from the Philippines were causing glass to shake quite dangerously. After getting a table far away from the stage, and ordering whatever their hearts may desire, Tristan could have claimed one of the decorations, a sea turtle being held from the ceiling with strings was coming ever closer. In fact, he didn't care until the turtle slapped his head into his nachos.

"Ewww," Tristan said to himself. "Now I'm all cheesy."

"Hey, stupid," the plastic sea turtle said. Time suddenly froze, and it was just Tristan and the sea turtle. "My name is the Suspending Sea Turtle of Ultimate Doom. I am your soul." Oddly enough, this turtle was a female. 0O

"My soul?"

"Your soul."

"Are you sure?" The turtle dunked his head in the nachos again.

"Yes, I'm sure, stupid. Now listen up. I want to get rid of those stupid YGO characters like you do. But I can't do that, since I'm your soul. I gave you the duty of getting rid of them. But 1 character down in five chapters? To help you speed up, I think you six guys should break up in teams and get rid of the mainest of the main; Joey, Tea and Yugi. As a hint, I'll tell you this: You can defeat Yugi, Serenity can defeat Joey and Rebecca can defeat Tea." Tristan was watching the Suspending Sea Turtle of Ultimate Doom, even if his head was in nachos. "And don't get the cheesecake, it goes right to your thighs," the turtle added as Tristan awoke.

His head was still in nachos. "You were conked in the head with that plastic turtle," Duke said. "You passed out half an hour ago. You've been snoring in all that cheese. You know dairy products can get you high."

"I feel lightheaded," Tristan said, thinking about the turtle. Was it just a dream? Had it been something else? Actually, I don't know. So who cares? "I have a plan," Tristan added.

"Let's hear it then, I'm sure it'll be great!" Ryo said in his optimistic way.

"Okay…" And thus Tristan began to explain his plan, given by the Suspending Sea Turtle, but you can't find out what that plan is exactly until it's carried out because I'm a mean, insane authoress. So nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, what will happen?

* * *

Just on a couple of things:

Today, I overheard a conversation about this girl who tried to get high off of yogurt. She tried tomake it work. The fact remains that you cannot get high off of dairy products.

The Army Club is based on the Navy Club herre in Seoul, but the Navy Club is decorated and the singers aren't too bad. They even serve nachos! And they really do have kawaii turtles in their pond, which will be big enough for when they grow up (makes me happy)! There really is a Suspending Sea Turtle of Ultimate Doom, a real cute plastic turtle. And yes, it really is Tristan's soul.

I drew a picture of the Extreme Pallid Jird. If I get any requests to see it, I'll put up the link. I ensure you that I am fine at drawing, assuming my peers, teachers and whoever elses are correct. The extreme skateboarding gerbil idea was just one of those odd moments when reading my Encyclopedia of Rodents and Rabbits.

There really is an evil yo-yo gang in first series. It's funny, people are just beating each other up, and using yo-yos too. Gangs always surprise me, butthat Takahashi makes me wonder if he's all the way sane...And the Friendly Kaiba existed for but half an episode (BUT THAT WAS CREEPY!)

So, review pweez? Duke really has to respond. If you don't, he'll join PETA and throw paint at you!

So till whenever, lovers, see ya!


	6. The Teams, The Plan and

Guten Tag/ Morgen/Abend! Yep I'm taking German!

WOW! I actually have reviewers! I must be doing something RIGHT! GASP! Anyway, Duke gets to respond to these.

Duke: Hello!

Catapult Turtle: Just do the job if you ever want to see your hamster again.

Duke: Sniffles--- My poor, poor hammy. On to the reviews:

**emotionalanime-** GUARDIANS OF GA'HOOLE will rule the world!

**SilverChaosMageChione-** Glad you like us getting in our mishaps. Catapult Turtle thanks you for the review that made her Thursday a good one.

**Atem's Queen-**Bakura is normally shown eating or dissapearing at the start of sagas like me Woah, his hair does look like a tent!

**Atem's Queen (Again!)- **Catapult has seen them using the powers of the computer! With subtitles from 1-11 and the RPG part with Bakura. She does know the flow of the manga thanks to the internet, but is unable to actually go out and by them (actually she's just lazy, but since I want a live hamster, let's keep that between you and me...) You can see them, if you care at http/ If you think you're gonna face legal issues, 1.) If you live in the US, you'll be fine since it's still unlicenced there, and 2) Toei hasn't done ANYTHING Yugioh! for 7 years. They aren't gonna hunt you down. It is cool, but not for the type of person who flinches at every bad word (like Catapult Turtle does)...

**Atem's Queen (AGAIN AGAIN! You're on a roll!)- **Fweee! I love the Extreme Pallid Jird! Wanna see the Pallid Jird? See it at http/i2. The book and documentary of it will take years, though (It's hard getting through all of the internet for just one kind of animal).

Duke: Hey, that was remotely fun!

Catapult Turtle: FUN MUST DIE! knocks out Duke Onto the story! GO TRISTAN!

**Chapter 6: The Teams, The Plan and the Running Over of Dubbers**

AT THE KAIBAS' PLACE---

"I can't believe I was outsmarted by those insignificant characters," Seto muttered to himself. He had gotten rid of that stupid itchy tutu when Mokuba started taking pictures- he took the camera, tortured it, cut it up into a million individual pieces, fed each piece to a million individual zebras, and then killed all of those, thus significantly reducing the zebra population. Then, Kaiba went to his closet which is the size of Austria, to get one of his sixty million extra trench coats. Then he was beaten up by a clown that had a green nose. And now he was sad, because he was outsmarted by those pesky characters everyone ignores. But then he was revengeful, _because_ he was outsmarted by those pesky characters everyone ignores. "I'm not out of this fan fiction yet! HEAR THIS, INSIGNIFICANT CHARACTERS! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

MEANWHILE, AT DUKE'S PLACE, WHERE OUR FOCAL POINTS SHALL SPLIT INTO TEAMS---

"Helloooo?" Tristan said to the door that led into Duke's apartment. Although speaking to a door is quite ineffective when it comes to opening it, Tristan just stood there, asking the door to let him in. Serenity, Ryo, Rebecca and YG were all supposed to meet Tristan at Duke's to begin their- EVIL PLAN! Tristan had even brought the AC of Doom along, which he had inhumanely stuffed the Pink Duck army in. Finally, Tristan had a glorious idea. He ran into the door, causing it to fall off of its hinges to see-

"DUKE ARE YOU WATCHING THE FINAL EPISODE OF YU-GI-OH! WITH SUBTITLES!" Tristan screamed at the top of his lungs. Well, since I was RUDELY interrupted by a CERTAIN INSIGNIFICANT CHARACTER, I guess it's rather redundant to say Duke was sitting on the couch with his hamster (a fine tortoiseshell female who has won many shows) watching the last 8 minutes of Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters on his home entertainment system.

"What? I'M NOT WATCHING ANYTHING!" Duke insisted, ripping out his DVD player and throwing it out the window. "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT WOULD BE A MAJOR SPOILER!" And as if to prove it, he picked up the entire system and threw it out the window, where it happened to safely land in a mother kangaroo's pouch (But at this time she had no baby, so no harm was done to this marsupial). Then Duke went over to Tristan and shook him repeatedly, yelling, "WHY WOULD YOU THINK I'D BE SPOILING THE ENTIRE SERIES?" before falling to the ground in a seizure.

"Don't worry, he's always like that," the tortoiseshell hamster squeaked at Tristan. "He'll stop after about sixteen seconds."

SIXTEEN SECONDS LATER---

"See?" The hamster went on. "He's all better now, except he has multiple injuries from hitting sharp edges as he flailed around!"

"Err, thanks?" Tristan said, quite confused. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Tristan ran over to the door to see Serenity, Rebecca, Ryo and YG. "This isn't my house, but come in anyway!" he shouted before taking off to the living room where Duke was petting his hamster.

"Hi everyone," Duke said distractedly. He lifted his hamster up for all to see. "This is my hamster. Her show name is Autumn Leaf, her normal name is just Leaf. She's a 100 pure tortoiseshell, and has won multiple best in shows because she eerily perfectly matches the American, British and the Japanese breed standard. SAY HI TO HER OR DIE!" So after a bunch of "Hi's" Hello's" and "YUGI, Hi's", there was an awkward silence.

"Uh, well we are here to break in our preassembled teams," Tristan started. "You see, according to a plastic turtle deep within me, we are destined to destroy the significant ones. So, in order to speed up we will break up. Now before we begin, I'd like to tell you, I've already selected the teams. Team A will be Ryo and I, Team B will be Serenity and Duke, and Team C will be Rebecca and YG. Any questions?"

"Yes," Duke said. "Can Team B's mission be to lock ourselves in a place of our choosing for an unidentified period of time, uninterrupted?"

"Sure!" Tristan said absentmindedly as Duke and Serenity started to walk away. "Hey… Wait a minute!" Tristan said as he finally deciphered what that mission meant, and ran up to grab the neck of their coats as they walked off. "Well, this ought to call for a change of teams. Duke, since I need to keep a special eye on you, you've been shifted to Team A with me, and Serenity gets to stay with only other sane person left- Ryo."

"Good," Serenity said briskly. "Can you let go of the neck of my coat though?"

"ANYTHING FOR MY SERENITY!" Tristan said in an odd spasm of release, even though I highly wonder why some certain sixteen year olds keep hitting on younger Serenity… Oh well, I'll add it to the list of things I wonder about (along with how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop).

"Well, what are the teams supposed to do?" asked Ryo. "After all, you were slightly sketchy on the details yesterday."

"Well," Tristan said. "I'm not really sure. I forgot what the Suspending Sea Turtle of Ultimate Doom said." So Tristan criss-crossed applesaused his legs and stroked his imaginary beard in an attempt to--- THINK!

So, while Tristan did such a brain straining activity, everyone dove into the fridge where the most unhealthy foods (And the most vegan) were. "Who wants a garden burger?" asked Leaf, Duke's hamster if you've forgotten already, as she opened a pack of frozen vegan burgers.

"Oh, I love meat like imitations that don't harm cows!" Ryo said. And soon, everyone except Tristan was eating Garden Burgers while watching the entire Pharaoh's Memories series on Duke's _other _home entertainment. There was blood, fat guys, possessed people, Dark RPGs- it was great! And they all had a fun time and grew old and died. The End!

I mean, just before the last episode, Tristan ACTUALLY REMEMBERED WHAT THE TURTLE TOLD HIM! Wow! And then he forgot it! Not wow! Suddenly, the window opened by itself, and a plastic sea turtle with strings attached hit Tristan in the face. "I am the Suspending Sea Turtle of Ultimate Doom," she said. "I am your soul, who was come to help you," she told Tristan.

"You mean you know what you were going to tell me?" asked Tristan. All of the others swiveled their heads over to Tristan who was insanely talking to a piece of plastic.

"No wonder this fic is called _The Night Tristan Went Insane_," Leaf thought aloud.

"A regular psycho," Serenity agreed.

"Anyway, Tristan," the turtle continued in a language only Tristan could understand. "We need you to stay with your teams, they're good right now."

"What do you mean, 'we'?" asked Tristan while the others watched on.

"Why, the other souls of your friends," The turtle said as more inanimate animals popped through the window.

"I am the soul of Duke, my name is the Burrowing Hammy of Ultimate Kawaiiness" a cute pumpkin orange plushie hamster said.

"I'm Serenity's soul, the Diving Dragon of Ultimate Jealousness" a pink dragon made of glass said with a wink.

"Allow me to introduce myself, I am the soul of Ryo Bakura and… someone else," a half black, half white clay cat said. The eye on the white side was blue and the eye on the other was green. "I am the Driving Cat of Ultimate Kindness," the white part said. "I am the Evil Cat of Ultimate Evilness. And together we are the Driving Cat of Ultimate Personality."

"I am Rebecca's soul, the YUGI-Obsessed Bunny of Ultimate Love," a red paper bunny said.

"And last and least is YG's soul, the Despaired Mule of Ultimate Boringness," said a blue mule carved from soap.

"As you see," Tristan's soul went on, "we are here to help you. And to do this I must remind you: You can defeat Yugi, Serenity can defeat Joey and Rebecca can defeat Tea. On your missions you must develop as characters to save this fan fiction from becoming a slur of boring, predictable characters. Now good luck." Tristan repeated what the Suspending Sea Turtle of Ultimate Doom said, for all to hear, until a wind took all of the inanimate objects and threw them out the window elsewhere.

"That was weird," was all Tristan said. "Well then, you heard the turtle. Let's get to work!"

MEANWHILE AT YUGI'S HOUSE---

"I better go look for Grandpa," Yugi said to no one in particular. His Grandpa had left about 12 hours ago. "I'm hungry. Why does Grandpa always wonder off like that? And why doesn't he let me touch the stove? Just because I'm short… WELL I'LL SHOW HIM! I'm going to drive all the way to Duke's house BY MYSELF and prove I am capable of using the stove!" Yugi hopped out of his chair, yelling, "I'M TIRED OF BEING A MOOCHING LOSER! I'M GOING TO BE INDEPENDENT!"

Yugi ran down the stairs with an American flag, even though he is Japanese, while singing "Oh say can you see?" He took a key off of a high rack. Or at least it seemed high to Yugi. He was all ready to go when suddenly, the TV turned on, showing the next poorly dubbed episode of Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons. Yugi immediately froze and began watching the rerun in a hypnotic trance.

AT OUR FAVORITE FANFIC WRITER'S HOUSE---

Our favorite insane fanfic writer, yes, I, CATAPULT TURTLE was watching the exact same episode. As Yugi took his place for the Pharaoh in that one Doom episode where Pharaoh lost to Raphael, I lifted up one finger at the screen while millions of fangirls across the world cried as Yugi sacrificed his soul to the Orichalcos for our dearest King with no memories, I laughed my head off. And laughed and laughed and laughed.

BACK WITH YUGI, AFTER THAT EPISODE---

Yugi ran out the door and opened up his Grandpa's ancient car that had been made by Henry Ford himself. Yugi hopped in and started the car. "Oh say can you see?" he sang again. That's when he realized, he couldn't. "I can't see over the steering wheel and work the pedals at the same time," Yugi thought aloud. "Well, who cares anyway? I'M INDEPENDENT! OH SAY CAN YOU SEE!"

"You see, we're gonna really butcher YGO! GX so much that the characters will be bland and undeveloping, there will be no theme and we're gonna change all of the perfectly fine names!" A random 4Kids dubber said to another 4Kids dubber as they walked along, not noticing the raging car Yugi was in coming straight at them.

"Sorry bout that!" Yugi yelled as he bumped over the dubbers. More random dubbers appeared, and Yugi kept running them over- because I, Catapult Turtle, have a wEiRd and twisted imagination + I can't stand dubbers which Yugi running down every dubber! DIE!

After all were appropriately annihilated, Yugi made it to Duke's, only to see a police car. The policeman hopped out. "Sir, according to our observations, you've broken every known traffic rule known to man, and several others known to snakes. I'm gonna have to see your license."

"Err, I don't have one, exactly," Yugi said nervously. "I can't see over the steering wheel in driver's ed…"

"FINE BE THAT WAY," the policeman said, disappearing completely.

"Oookay," Yugi thought aloud. Suddenly, his Grandpa appeared out of the apartment. "Finally! Grandpa, I'm going to be independent from now on!"

"What do you mean?" YG asked as the rest of our heroes, except Duke came out.

"It means I'm tired of being good! I'm going to become a Goth!"

"What?" YG said.

"YUGI'd look great in black," Rebecca said.

"And a nerd at the same time!" Yugi added, pulling out a book for Calculus and Calculus 2. "I'm going to the black market. See you guys later!"

"A Goth and a nerd?" Tristan was troubled. "Well, it looks like I'm really going to have a problem."

"Why?" asked Ryo.

"I dunno, the author's starting to experience writer's block," Tristan said. "Oh well, let's all go home now. Tomorrow, the REAL plot will begin!"

No, really, the ACTUAL PLOT WILL ACTUALLY BEGIN! W00t!

* * *

Not much to say here. The rest of the story will be cut into pieces- one for Seto Kaiba, one for Team A, one for Team B, and one for Team C. If I have a real bad case of writer's block, I'll add more sections. I have no idea where it's going, but I don't think it'll be stopping anytime soon.

And in other news- Guys, I've been seeing all of the stuff Katrina did (oil all around, homes covered in unhealthy gunk, corpses floating on the gunk etc.) and it's really gotten depressing to just watch. So we should do something about it! This is big and it's for our own fellow Americans (even if I am in Korea right now) so go out and donate! I am, once I find the time in my schedule. Go and give 50 cents to a Bake Sale supporting relief, start your own bake sale, force your school to do something too! Tell everyone how important this is. If every author on gave 5 dollars to the cause, do you know how much we'd raise? A fat lot, that's all I know. So let's go and help our felllow man!

Well, that's it for today. See ya, lovers and don't forget to review!

GO TRISTAN!


	7. THE ACTUAL PLOT!

"You can't take it with you so eat it now."

-Garfield

Hey everyone! YOU KNEW YOU COULDN'T ESCAPE! I'm back and now I have braces. Painful braces right now! This week hasn't been a good one for me. I have at least 10 homework assignments (mainly because of stupid science) and I have like three tests to study for and I'm really busy and frustrated. So I haven't been in a funy mood this week. Right now though, I'm really running along in a serious story, Raven Moon. My Writer's block is weird. I can never stop writing but you can tell when I have writer's block because the quality goes waaay down. Oddly enough, I do great in writing reports and serious stories when I have problems writing humor.

But who cares about me? I'm still working on this fic and don't plan to stop.

Onto the beautiful reviewers who will be answered by me, since every other character needs serious development:

SilverChaosMageChione: Thanks! But I'm watching for pitchforks. Good thing there's a bunch of security cameras where I live. And I think my writer's block is fading!

darkdreamerofmidnight: Another version heh?... There's already three -- And Kazuki said he's done with Yugioh --; Oh well. Demons are coming to rip out my heart? -Shuts door and chants Bible verses till the cows come home (and McDonald was very happy). YAYNESS! You are the writer of my Official 10th review!

darkdreamerofmidnight (again): Yes I'm evil and you will never see GX! Ha! (Translation: http/ some nice fair-quality episodes. Follow the directions on the site. If you want high quality episodes you'll have to get bittorent. Happy downloading!) One time the GX characters changed- actually they went to the hot springs with only a towel. And they change for gym anyway. I'm not mentally ill, just partly insane. I've pleged to remain at least half sane throughout my life. But my humor is pretty twisted. My insanity normally doesn't surface. I'm a nerd actually --; And I am an authoress. I'm just not used to autoress completely... (All my life I believed writing and drawing were two words not segregrated by genders, you know they were just "t3h authors and t3h artists).

Atem's Queen: I wish this chapter was as funny. Woah I've seen the Memory Series? Surprises, surprises. I've actually only seen 5 episodes from random parts of it and the last 8 minutes of Yugioh DM. But I've seen all of GX so far. I found this one site with Pharaoh's Memories stuff and it went down. But I read the summaries for each episode at It was long. But hey, it was the storyline. If the site comes back up I can direct you to it (it's Portugese though). Hurricanes are uber ebil.

Woah that was long. Well, GO TRISTAN! and on with the story!

**Chapter 7: The Actual Plot!**

Kaiba flipped another page in his _Revenge for Complete and Utter Idiots _book. Right now, it had suggested using anvils, pelicans and dreaded prunes. But Seto was more interested in this next chapter: Chapter Wutevah: Batman-like. And so he read:

_You can also go for revenge like Batman did. Or maybe it was Spiderman? Who cares? Anyway, all you need is a really stupid outfit, a cool catch phrase, several generic damsels, $4.98 and sheer dumb luck! What to do: Randomly save people while killing everyone you hate and want revenge at! How great is that? _

_Tips: Always carry a box of Chinese food and say it's your weakness. BECAUSE I SAID SO MUHAHAHAHAHA heh heh heh!_

"This is just what I need!" Seto decided, taking a blue-eyes-white-dragon helmet from absolutely nowhere. "I'm going to be Kaibaman!" Seto slipped on the helmet, thus causing his hair to lengthen magically, and cause him to get this weird red thing to go over his sweater thing. Why? Because he has to look like the GX character, Kaibaman. Hey, I'm not making this stuff up people.

"I'm gonna save the world while completely annihilating those stupid insignificant characters! YAY!" So Seto jumped out of the window and traversed into the night as a completely indistinguishable character that we could never imagine is Kaiba (yeah right).

AT DOMINO HIGH SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY---

"So what do you think Yugi is gonna look like?" the magical talking school cat asked Tristan.

"He's coming now," pointed out YG. Yes, YG. He had been able to sneak in as a substitute teacher when the 1st period class teacher was found unconscious and gagged in a locker obviously done by the hands of Tristan- I mean when she was running so late they decided it was necessary to hire a substitute.

Yugi waltzed in the classroom. His top was the normal school uniform. His pants were a mix of chains and a very dark version of the normal school uniform. His red hair part seemed like blood and his yellow hair was dyed a deadly green. He had a grudge look, but also had glasses. He carried _War and Peace_, _Calculus I and II for the Successful Youth_. In other words, he was a fashion disaster, not a real nerd, not a real Goth and basically your typical walking death that constantly trips on the chains on his pants.

"Greetings, my fellow 'dudes'," Yugi said to all of our insignificant focal points as he plopped in a chair, mumbling about how much he hated school and also how he was highly excelling in his advanced classes.

"Class dismissed really early today!" YG suddenly yelled, causing a bunch of poor innocent students to rush out of the classroom immediately. Except Tristan, Duke and Yugi, that is.

"Yugi, I demand a Duel Monsters battle right here and now!" Tristan said, taking out his deck, which isn't really his considering he stole it from Seto… Oh well.

"No way," Yugi said. "I'd rather be studying Calculus III or listening to heavy metal. Duel Monsters are so childish. And stupid."

"Uh, are you sure?" asked Duke.

"Yeah."

"Are you really sure?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"YES!" Yugi yelled. "Sorry, teen problems pop up around this age and it gets you all congested."

"Wutevah," Leaf said, popping out of Duke's pocket.

"Hey, you were supposed to stay at home!" Duke said.

"Well, I don't accept bribes from my human. Hey Yugi. How's it going?"

"Okay."

"Wait, you know Yugi?" Tristan asked, confused.

"He's been a good personal friend," Autumn Leaf responded quite definitely. "And he's not going to duel you till he has a reason to."

"Like what?" asked Duke.

"Oh you know," Yugi said. "Stealing Grandpas, putting out money to help some chum-like friend, my life, my Millennium Puzzle is always good ransom, my chum-like friend again, the three Egyptian God Cards, the world as we know it, my life again, 1/3 of Earth's population, or the entire real world if you watch the dub, my soul, the world as we know it again, a free ride home, the Pharaoh's Memory, the world as we know it again, letting an old guy live too long and the miserable heart of a young kid who succeeds me…" Yugi went on and on.

"What was the first one again?" asked Tristan.

"Stealing Grandpas," Yugi confirmed.

"Duke, I have an idea. Let's go over to Yugi's house and wait for YG to come back."

"It's my house," Yugi pointed out. "I should invite you-" But Duke and Tristan were already walking away. "Oh well, just follow the yellow brick road! Wait a minute, how can I follow it if I'm _on_ the yellow brick road? And the road doesn't move so I technically cannot follow it." Gasps are heard around the world.

WITH OUR SANE ONES- RYO AND SERENITY---

"And so I say, the potato chip is flat, not round and we all joked around and had a great time and junk!" Ryo mindlessly blabbed to Serenity on the subway.

"Hey, Ryo, what are you going to do when you're significant?" Serenity randomly said. Of course, she didn't notice Kaibaman sitting across from her. So life goes on.

"I'm going to buy the world's only pink pony," Ryo said thoughtfully. "Or maybe I'll buy some world peace. They sell it in bulk at K-Mart you know."

"I'm thinking along the lines of world domination," Serenity said, equally as thoughtfully. "Yes, people running from metal deathtraps, huge rats, genetically altered Brelooms, Onions of Death," Serenity rumbled on as she imagined herself on top of a tank with fire in the background.

"0O" was all Ryo could say, well if you call it saying.

"Hey, you can't use emoticons in dialogue!" Serenity pointed out.

Um, yes you can…?

MEANWHILE, ACROSS FROM SERENITY AND RYO----

"Ha ha, Garfield is always so funny," Kaibaman thought aloud as he read the funnies section of the newspaper. But he heard "world domination" which usually equals evil. Kaibaman looked behind the paper to see his old employee and his embarrasser

sitting directly across from him.

It was the perfect time to act. To go and strike before the next stop which was coming in thirty seconds. But Kaibaman was left with a difficult question. To finish reading Classic Peanuts or let his two targets stay in range? Kaibaman thought hard. His pulse went fast. His palms sweated.

But Snoopy was about to do something incredibly funny that would leave Kaibaman in a happy mood. So he quickly read Snoopy, allowing his two targets to slip away. Better luck next time, Kaibaman.

BACK WITH OUR SANE ONES---

"We're here," Serenity said firmly as Ryo stood at her side before the apartment complex stood before them. "This is where big brother lives."

"Yes it is!" agreed a kamikaze watermelon before splutting into the thick wall.

"Gotta believe the watermelons!" Serenity said and our sane ones walked into the craziest place on Earth. Little did they know, the apartment was actually a horrible torture chamber- you know what I'm talking about. It was a-

AND NOW TO YG AND REBECCA WHO ARE AIMLESSLY WALKIING ON THE STREETS OF DOMINO----

"Where's Tea's house?" YG asked for the millionth time.

"YUGI knows," Rebecca said, which wasn't exactly helpful, and not exactly not helpful.

"Why do you always say YUGI?" YG asked at long last. "Are you obsessed with him or something?"

Rebecca thought about it meaningfully for a couple of minutes truly pondering what YUGI meant to her. "You know, YUGI's relation, I say YUGI because I suddenly decided to like him some day and now I'm just weird. And YUGI is cool, even if every fanfic writer except Catapult Turtle and a few others, hates him."

"Oh. Hey, there's Tea!" YG pointed to the Brunette who was walking along. "Let's go ambush her like we're crazy stalkers!"

"What are we waiting for, YUGI's relation?" YG beat Rebecca to Tea though.

"Surprise!" he yelled, tackling her.

"STALKER!" Tea screamed. In self defense, she pulled out a spray bottle that would normally have pepper spray in it, but it was marked "FREINDSHIP." "TASTE THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP YOU FOOL!" Tea released the spray at full blast getting all in YG's eyes, causing him to fall and cringe on the ground.

"THE FRIENDSHIP! IT BURNS!" YG screamed as Rebecca ran over.

"STALKERS!" Tea yelled, releasing another blow of friendship before running off screaming. Luckily, Rebecca was wearing glasses, so she was completely unaffected.

"The YUGI stealer…" Rebecca grumbled. "I'll get her if it's the last thing I do, which is actually never going to be the last thing I do because the last thing I will do is die, and um YUGI since this sentence doesn't normally fit it in. ANYWAY, I'll avenge my YUGI you YUGI STEALER! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA YUGI!"

Like I said, this chapter isn't the funniest. I'm bored (the perfect time to think up random ideas for TNTWI!) Meffles. See ya.

"Never diet on a day ending with y."

- Garfield


	8. Altered, Boarded, and Screaming Old Guys

**My Buddy**

I have a buddy,

My buddy's a toad,

He's kind of muddy,

He's flat on the road,

But he is my buddy,

My buddy to stay,

'Til he's peeled up,

And sailed away.

-From Garfield, a poem written by Jon

Yes I'm back. Since there seems to be such good reviews, I'm updating early this week. I was in more of an insane/ random writing mood (perfect for Raven Moon right now) so this chapter is more twisted than funny in my opinion. But I had lots of fun writing it. But: I do not own Captain Planet. Cartoon Network owns that. I don't own 4Kids Productions either. But if I did, there wouldn't be ANY (insert poorly dubbed anime here) uncencored sites.

Captain Planet is doing the reviews for this chapter (don't fret, it'll all become clear soon):

Atem's Queen- Yeah Kaiba's Kaibaman. If you've ever seen GX ep 35, you'll know. And REMEMBER, this is our PLANET! And it's up to us to keep it SAFE!

The Mad Writer- Catapult Turtle really tried to make this unique! Too bad she failed! (grrr, what did you say, Captain?) FRYING PANS OF DOOM SHALL BE USED IN THE fight against EVIL! And remember, it's up to YOU to protect our planet!

SilverChaosMageChione- You'll love this NEW CHAPTER! -Takes out yarn of I SHOULD CLEAN MY ROOM- (Don't worry it'll all make sense soon, if you consider any part of my story has sense, so maybe it won't). ANYWAY, it's up to YOU to protect our PLANET!

cantdueldontaskeme- Bakura will play a bigger role later... He's only yet began to shine. Speaking of which, did you notice how strongly the SUN SHINES? It's up to YOU to protect our ATMOSPHERE and POLAR BEARS!

cantdueldontaskme (again)- (Captain Planet becomes you mother) Now what did I say about driking at the computer while reading comediiies? (Transforms back) Glad you like it. And I hope you help PROTECT our NATURAL WONDERS! FOR I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!

Well that was annoying. Besides, why does Captain Planet need everyone's help if he'sa superhero? Gasp (there's a lot of gasping and sweatdtopping in this chappie). Well, GO TRISTAN anyway, and on with the story!

**Chapter 8: Altered, Boarded and Screaming Old Guys**

WITH OUR WONDROUS INANIMATE SOULS---

"Why did we choose Tristan and his band of personage who lack any skill?" asked a peculiarly bored inanimate soul of YG to no one in particular in some person's personal graveyard (the murder rates where they live are frighteningly high, and this guy collects dead bodies, a fun hobby might I add).

"He was all I could get on short order," explained the Suspending Sea Turtle of Ultimate Doom.

A random 4Kids dubber passed by the souls blabbing to another 4Kids dubber: "We're going to take out episodes 3-7 of YGO GX so we get rid of any characterization there, and tone down episode 50 so it produces absolutely no emotion or increase in brain waves…" All of the objects stared (if you can call it that) at them.

"And we're going to really kill One Piece and its 'Our friendship and bond was even greater than the treasure' theme, merge 14 episodes and skip three future seasons!" said the other. "Next let's dub Inuyasha so kids can watch it!"

Suddenly the inanimate souls shouted, "Earth, wind, Fire, water, thunder!" And all merged to become-

"I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!" The green skinned lame old Cartoon Network reject floated around before yelling, "Stop EVILDOERS! Have a taste of my YARN OF I SHOULD CLEAN MY ROOM!" He pulled out a ball of yarn.

"Well, then face the sacred power of our ANIME DESTRUCTION LASER!" they yelled together, each taking out-

Your mom's hairbrush!

"We had to edit out the guns," one dubber said. "Now PREPARE TO BE RUINED!" But even as the laser zapped, Captain Planet remained unphased.

"GASP!" gasped the dubber.

"GASP!" gasped some hobo I hired.

"GASP!" gasped a random crowd, your mom's hairbrush, and several webmasters of Pokemon websites.

gasp.

"I'm Captain Planet, a cartoon," he explained. "But not an anime! Prepare to feel the wrath of my YARN OF I SHOULD CLEAN MY ROOM!"

Captain Planet ah-ha-ed as he shot the yarn causing the 4Kids Dubbers to be the following thirty-two paragraphs are not appropriate for the targeted audience (or the untargeted ones) and has been CENSORED for your safety.

MEANWHILE, AT YUGI'S WITH OUR TWO POINTLESS FOCAL POINTS---

"I choose Naruto!" Tristan yelled as he continued to battle on Jump Superstars, a Japan- release-only DS game that lets you fight as your favorite characters from Shonen Jump. How cool is that!

"Here Garfield," Duke said to his Nintendog on his DS.

"Honestly Duke, you pay more attention to that thing than you pay me," Autumn Leaf observed as she and Yugi watched the very emotional episode 50 of YGO GX. Don't go Hayato!

"I bet our DS's can link up!" exclaimed Tristan after one rather one round of rather pointless battling. Before Duke could answer, his DS was picking up a signal.

"I choose Naruto!" Tristan repeated stupidly as a mini Naruto sprite appeared next to Duke's Nintendog (who was a lot bigger than the sprite).

"Garfield! Attack!" Duke yelled.

"Hiya!" Naruto yelled as he picked up the virtual dog and threw him far, far into the depths of space.

"I win!" Tristan said triumphantly.

"No you don't," Duke insisted, tapping in the ultimate cheat code. "Have a taste of virtual PETA!"

Suddenly a bunch of people appeared on screen in suits with lawyers. There was a court meeting and Naruto was found guilty on all animal cruelty charges and was thrown in the asylum with Michael Jackson, who was muttering something about pineapples.

"That's cheating," Yugi noted who was taking another tissue as Hayato lost to Chronos, and seeing all of those past happy moments.

MEANWHILE WITH KAIBAMAN---

Okay, so Kaibaman's first plan really didn't work out But that's okay- Seto Kaiba, disguised as Kaibaman was just outside of Yugi's house. He'd show YG what justice and revenge, but mostly revenge, are all about.

"With my hired Professional Crazy Guy from Pokemon the First Movie, they'll all go down," Kaiba thought aloud as his hired guy walked towards him.

"You hired me?" he asked in that mysterious business type way. He was holding a bunch of pointy and scary objects covered in BLOOD! - I mean fruit juice (shifty eyes).

"I hired you," Seto confirmed. "Your job is to have revenge on everyone in the house, even Yugi."

"Okay," he said in an insane fashion before crashing through the door of Yugi's house.

WITH YUGI AND THE NOBODIES---

"Hey Tristan did you hear something that sounded incredibly similar to a guy Kaiba hired running into the door to come have revenge on us?" Yugi managed to say in one very long sentence.

"Uhhh, no?" Tristan said as he started eating the doggy playing piece from Monopoly.

"I did."

"Who said that?" Yelled Duke. "There's no speech tag so we don't know!"

"That was just me," Leaf answered.

"Oh."

"Leaf, was that you again?" asked Yugi.

"No."

"It wasn't," Leaf said. "But I have the creeping feeling that someone's in this house whose out to get us."

"Maybe."

"Uh, we better put up our defense mechanism then!" Yugi decided, turning on his computer and going to mean?" Tristan started, but Yugi nodded. It was their only defense against this weird voice they were hearing. The lights dimmed, causing only the computer to illuminate the entire house.

"It's a badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, mushroom, mushroom, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, mushroom, mushroom, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, mushroom, mushroom, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, OH MY GOSH Snake, snake, oh snake---" The computer sang crazily as images of badgers, mushrooms and snakes all appeared.

"NO ONE CAN DEFEAT THE FLASH CARTOON THAT NEVER ENDS!" Yugi said.

"AGH! I'm melting!" Kaiba's hired guy yelled as he came into view.

"Gasp!" gasped Yugi.

Gasp.

"But I can still do this!" He yelled, taking out a USB cord and making beams going out to Yugi, Duke and Leaf.

"Oh no! Is this legal?" asked Yugi.

"Maybe in Utah, but not in Japan!" he yelled before leaping up and going up the stairs. Then he plunged out of a two story window. Mothers, keep your children in, there's a maniac loose on the streets.

"I'm a flamingo!" Duke said as he turned pink.

"Achh! I'm turning into an Oompa Loompa!" Yugi said, although he didn't need to shrink, because well-

You know.

"Oh no, I'm being turned into a hamster," Leaf said unenergetically as she was transformed into a hamster. Too bad she was one to begin with.

"Now you have to go to YGO GX to change back!" said a random mockingbird before exploding.

"NO!" Tristan yelled. "NO MORE SUBPLOTS LIKE THAT! NO!" In a twist of insanity and fury, he picked up the nearest steel baseball bat.

"Er, Tristan, don't be angered that we're genetically altered…" Yugi said. "Hey that fits part one of the title!"

"WHO CARES?" Tristan screamed. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU UNTIL YOU TURN BACK!"

"What poor grammar," Leaf noted.

"DIE!" Tristan hit Duke with the bat, then Yugi, then Leaf, and-

They all turned back to normal.

"Hey why do mockingbirds keep telling us to go into subplots then?" asked Tristan.

"You don't suppose…" Yugi trailed off.

"You do suppose. Catapult Turtle's been sending those mockingbirds to make us go in her favorite parts of Yu-Gi-Oh!" Autumn Leaf realized.

"Well?" Asked Duke who pointed to I, the FABULOUS narrator, Catapult Turtle. "Is this true?"

Uh, let's check with our good friends Ryo and Serenity-

"HEY!" they all yelled.

Er-

MEANWHILE WITH SERENITY AND RYO---

Little did they know, the apartment was actually a horrible torture chamber- you know what I'm talking about. It was a-

Boarding school!

Serenity opened the door anyway, Ryo flinched, someone died, a baby was born in

China and only seven clouds were in the sky in the entire world, a weather phenomenon we should all worry about.

"Oof," Serenity muttered as some guy on the other side pushed her in and grabbed Ryo in.

"Hello, my pretties." Ryo turned his head very slowly to see the evil principal staring at them. "Welcome to the Boarding School of Calculi, Neurology and Peanut Butter."

"Boarding school?" asked Serenity. "I thought this was an apartment."

"It is, but the first 19 levels are for our use," she explained. "I'm Mrs. Misses. I am your principal. I am the one who can tamper with your grades. You are now registries."

"But we didn't even tell you our names," Serenity pointed out.

"Names don't matter here," the principal answered. "You are F-56 and the boy is G-235. You are both 10th graders."

"But I'm not a 10th grader…" Serenity mumbled.

"Identity means nothing here, F-56. You are here to learn. We have a 300 college going rate here."

"Is that even possible?" asked Ryo.

"Probably not," answered Mrs. Misses. "You first class is Calculus 6 by the way. You better get going there."

"But we need to get to Big Brother…" Serenity whispered.

Suddenly, Mrs. Misses lengthened, her eyes bulging and teeth gritting in a complete spasm. "EXCUSE ME. WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"Nothing…" Serenity grumbled.

She turned to normal. "Good and have an excellent day!"

So they went to Calculus 6…

ONE CLASS LATER---

"Oh, my arms hurt," Ryo said as the teacher threw him out of the classroom. Serenity followed, limping badly.

"That was the roughest math I've ever done," Serenity gasped as she fell in a pile on the floor.

"My brain hurts," added Ryo. "And I wish Teacher wouldn't hit me with a ruler whenever I got something wrong. How could I know 6 x 56 (xc – yr2) 5w7/ n85 equaled fish?"

"Well, next we have advanced reading," Serenity assured. "That shouldn't be too hard."

As soon as they walked in and saw the living, suffering students that decorated the wall, they just weren't so sure. The entire room was dark and there was gothic music playing. But the teacher was nowhere to be seen.

"How unprofessional," Serenity thought angrily.

"My arms still hurt," moaned Bakura.

"Hello, students." There was a puff of black smoke in the dimly lit room as Ryo and Serenity sat down. Their teacher was a vampire- Vampire Carmilla from the Seven Stars of YGO GX. "As part of my eternal suffering because of losing a shadow duel, I have been forced to work as a teacher." The pretty green-haired vampire winked at Ryo.

Ryo blinked blankly.

"I think she likes you," Serenity whispered.

"I think she just wants to drink my blood," Bakura answered with the likely reason.

"Anyway, you have to read this 445 page book and answer 68 questions about it," the vampire continued. "And if you don't mind, I like the lights to be very dim." With a snap, the lights turned off completely and four candles appeared out of nowhere to produce a very dim black light.

"I can't see a thing on this book," Ryo said as he squinted to try and read it.

"Hey, neither can I…" Serenity said. "And you know why?"

"Why?"

"Guess first."

"Is it just too dim?"

"No," Serenity said. "There's nothing written on this page. Or the next, or the next, or the one after that. This book is completely empty."

"Empty?" Ryo asked. "Then how can we do the worksheet for a blank book?"

"Ryo, there's something behind you," Serenity said. "I bet it's a fly, I'll get it." Serenity slapped it.

"Ow."

"Ow?" Ryo repeated. Serenity had slapped Vampire Carmilla who was right behind Ryo, dangerously close to his neck. "Serenity…"

"Yeah?"

"This is a trap to suck our blood out isn't it?"

"Yeah," Serenity confirmed.

"In that case: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!" And without further ado, they burst through a random wall, allowing sunshine to come and melt Carmilla (Why didn't they think of that sooner). Yes I said sunlight. They crashed out of the 19 story building's windows.

"Uh oh," Ryo said briefly, before falling.

"I'll save you/ have my revenge on you!" Out of nowhere, Kaibaman came from the bushes and caught them both. In a trash can.

"Woah, thanks Seto!" Serenity said. "Oh no! That sounds like a SetoxSerenity line!"

"Don't worry, Serenity I have plenty of fuzzy feelings for you," Kaibaman said.

"It's nausea isn't it?" Serenity asked.

"Yeah," Kaibaman confirmed.

"Same here."

"Uh Serenity," Ryo said. How are we going to get back up without getting boarded?"

"I'm not sure," she answered. "But you just filled in Part 2 of this title. Any ideas Seto?"

"Call me Kaibaman. You could always go in that conveniently placed helicopter that says 'How Joey gets out and in his House.'"

Serenity and Bakura sweat dropped. "I feel stupid," Ryo said slowly.

"Well, let's get going," Serenity said as she hopped in the helicopter. "Let's go Ryo. And thanks Kaibaman, but I feel nauseous still."

"Good! Have a nice trip!" he said as the two flew off. "But I can't help but think I've forgotten something. Then he sweat dropped. "I forgot to have my revenge."

WITH YG AND REBECCA---

Rebecca threw another exiled plan to destroy Tea. It wasn't going so well. YG was resting from the Bottled Friendship and Rebecca's main thinking tasks had to do with Yugi in one shape and form. Then she had enlightenment. "Hey, YUGI's relation, have you ever noticed the Lone Ranger isn't really Lone?"

"No," he said. "How is he not lone?"

"He has a sidekick, YUGI's relation. That means he's not a Lone Ranger at all, YUGI'S relation." Gasps are heard around the world. "I found out how to defeat YUGI stealer!" Rebecca said suddenly, drawing a pretty picture.

"How?" YG asked. His eyes still stung from the friendship, so he kept them closed.

She showed YG her drawing. It was a picture of Yugi and herself dumping something into Tea's food. "We need ANTI-Friendship powder, YUGI'S relation," Rebecca explained. "It's her weakness, and you, YUGI's relation and I must have it and she must have it, so we can defeat her in a duel!"

"You can duel?" Rebecca sweat dropped.

"I'm not even going to dignify that with my YUGI filled answer," Rebecca responded flatly.

"Do you think I should open my eyes now? They sting a lot less."

"Sure, YUGI's relation." Slowly he opened his violet eyes. Rebecca screamed.

"What's wrong?" asked YG.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, YUGI's RELATION?" Rebecca screamed. "YUGI's relation, your eyes have turned CHIBI!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO breath OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" YG yelled. "It must have been the Bottled Friendship! I'm going to turn cute!"

"We'll have to work faster than I thought, YUGI's relation!" Rebecca decided. "TO THE YUGI MOBILE NananananananaNANA!"

The insanity will reign on for most of the fic. And next chapter is the return of the AC of Doom and the Pink Duck army! Finally! But don't worry, I'm far from done. I haven't put everyone in the nessecary troubles! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! See you next week everyone! And remember, reviewing is your friend!

PINEAPPLE!


	9. Return of the AC of Doom!

No I didn't die. No you're not dreaming (I think). CATAPULT TURTLE IS FINALLY UPDATING LIEK OH MY GOSH!

Sorry for taking so long. Since I updated early that one day, I'm updating really late. Fwee. This chapter isn't one of my better ones. I'm in a mood to read, not write and this one was really forced humor (except for the parts with Kaibaman). Here to respond to your reviews is Kaibaman (Bakura will respond one day):

Atem's Queen- Yep, I'm still Kaibaman. More of this really stupid story coming up

SilverChaosMageChione- Well, looks like Catapult Turtle forgot to give me a themesong. Better wait till next time when I get my ultimate weapon (allows 4-6 weeks for delivery). You say Asuka is my and Joey's daughter? So, who carried the baby? (This is what will ever confuse me about yaoi fanfics that end up with kids)

SilverChaosMageChione (once more!)- Actually, Catapult's taken up fangirling. Which I assume is hard to do seeing that she's nearly dead... (HEY YOU'RE THE 20TH REVIEWER! FWEE! OY! HURRAH AND SUCH!)

Pikpik246- (Blink blink) If you want me, I'll be playing in traffic...

**Chapter 9: Return of the AC of Doom! **

Kaibaman slouched in his unreasonably comfortable computer chair at the KC headquarters. Want to know why it was so unreasonably comfortable? Because it was made with parts regularly used for blankets. Thousands of men slaved over making it, almost all of which lost their lives as they struggled to complete this magnificent work of-

Oh wait, where was I? Oh yeah with my Kaiba-kun.

Anyway, Seto was watching the WGDs (World Galactic Debates) on his computer (illegally of course) as he tried to come up with a new plan to defeat those embarrasers. So far, he had come up with a list like this:

1.) Will make a list on destroying embarrasers.

And he had writer's block too. So he just watched the LCD like a mindless drone.

"WELCOME TO WORLD GALACTIC DEBATES!" an enthusiastic announcer who had thirty-nine cups of coffee in hand yelled. "HERE AT WGDs WE ARE DEDICATED TOBRINGINGYOUTHEMOSTCONTRIVERSIALDEBATESEVER!" The caffeine high announcer continued. "TODAY IN THE WORLD OF DEATH WITH PHARAOH NAME WITHHELD! AND ANCIENT SETO, WE WILL GOTHROUGHANOTHERDEBATE!"

Seto Kaiba sighed. His hand was now asleep. I mean it had a blanket, pillow, teddy bear and everything. Seto even read it a bed time story and kissed it goodnight. Anyway…

"TODAY WE WILL COVER A FEROCIOUS AND HIGHLYCONTRIVERSIALDEBATE!" the announcer went on, his eyes ready to pop. Ancient Seto glared at Pharaoh from his cloudy podium thing as Pharaoh name withheld for you people who haven't seen Pharaoh's Memories or don't know the story , who once lived in that Millennium Puzzle- you know you were there and I was there and there was pizza and we all had fun and got old and junk. "TODAY'S HIGHLY CONTRIVERSIAL DEBATE IS- IS IT THE **_PURPLE_** PEOPLE EATER OR THE **_PURPLE PEOPLE_** EATER? WE START WITH PHARAOH BECAUSE HIS NAME GOES FIRST ALPHABETICALLY AND WE DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY LIVES ANYWAY!"

"Thank you, thank you," Pharaoh said to his cheering dead people who used to be under his rule. "Well, I must say it's clearly a **_Purple People_** Eater. No kids' song would ever use such terrors as People Eaters!"

"What about Ring around the Rosie?" asked Ancient Seto. "That's a kids' song and it's about the plague! Therefore, it is the Purple colored People Eater!"

"You weren't EVEN around during the plague!" said Pharaoh. Ooh, that's true!

"Who cares?" growled Seto as he turned into comic effects he doesn't understand! And pulled out his Millennium Rod.

"Hey, you're not allowed to bring Millennium Items to the World of Death!" Protested Pharaoh, turning into those comic effects he doesn't understand!

"But you kept your Puzzle," retorted Seto. And well, Pharaoh did have that Puzzle around his neck.

"Yeah, but it's my ultimate fashion accessory," Pharaoh said. "And I'm a Pharaoh. I can do whatever I want!"

"Well, when you mysteriously disappeared due to effects I don't understand, I became Pharaoh, so I can do whatever I want!" Seto yelled back.

"Didn't think about that," Pharaoh murmured and Seto hit him on the head with his block of gold. "Ow! It's a Purple People Eater!" Pharaoh hit Seto in the head with his Puzzle.

"Ow! Purple People Eater!" Hit him with the Rod.

"Ow! Purple People Eater!" Hit him with the Puzzle.

"Ow! Purple People Eater!" Rod.

"Ow! Purple People Eater!" Puzzle.

"Ow! Purple People Eater!" Rod.

"Ow!" Puzzle.

"Ow, what was that for?" asked Seto.

"I just didn't like you that time," Pharaoh said back.

"NOW GUYS TAKE IT OUTSIDE!" the caffeinated announcer yelled. "CUT TO COMMERCIAL!"

"Hello," the cheap infomercial guy said. "Are you in desperate need to have revenge on your embarrasers?" Seto leaned towards the screen.

"Yes," he said.

"Are you so desperate you're writing a list?" asked the infomercial guy.

"Yes!"

"Is your name Seto Kaiba?" the guy went on.

"YES!" Kaiba yelled, shaking his laptop.

"Then HAVE WE GOT THE PRODUCT FOR YOU! IT'LL SAVE YOU THE TROUBLES OF REVENGE COMPLETELY! ALL FOR THE UNBELIEVABLE PRICE OF $999,999,999.999! Call at 1-800-THIS-NUMBER-DOES-NOT-EXIST or go to for this special offer! Order now! Supplies limited!"

Seto leaned closer to the screen. Yes, this was what he needed. It would save his plan. It'd get rid of those pesky insignificants! It was---

MEANWHILE, WITH TRISTAN AND DUKE (MUHAHAHAHA CLIFFHANGER!)---

"Man, YG's never coming back is he?" asked Tristan. "He must actually be working with Rebecca. Now what am I going to do?"

"You could always steal one of Yugi's friends, like Duke and keep him for ransom," Leaf suggested. Silence.

"Why didn't you say that before?" asked Yugi who was performing a number of highly advanced Calculus equations as he made his new textbook; Calculus 7 for the Distressed Soul Stuck in Boarding School.

"Didn't feel like it," Leaf answered.

"Oh, Duke," Tristan called giving him a VERY SCARY look.

"What?" asked Duke who had just raided the refrigerator for his protractor, which are very delicious with salt…

"Come here now," Tristan said. "I have a plan!"

"Finally!" Duke said.

But there was a knock on the door. Actually, it was more like something had knocked into the door. "I'll get it," said Yugi as he ran downstairs and opened the door. "GAHH!" There was a huge rumbling/stampeding noise as Yugi was sent on his back. Tristan, Duke and Leaf went down to survey the situation immediately.

"GASP!" gasped Duke.

"The Pink Ducks and AC of Doom have returned!" discovered Tristan. In front of him was his entire pink duck army, Yugi somewhere underneath, and his AC of Doom. Le gasp!

"Greetings, Master," the AC of Doom said politely as it walked- err scooted in and closed the door somehow.

"You can talk?" asked Leaf.

"Not talk- conversations are my specialty," the AC of Doom corrected as the Pink Ducks flew off for the bathroom after their long trip. "And you can talk too, this fic doesn't make sense and I learned a couple things while the Authoress forgot about me!"

"Where have you been?" asked Tristan.

"Oh, you know. Me and the Pink Ducks, we did a lot. Learned English, saved the Earth from world domination a couple of times, ate toast, stopped a cloning program that was going to restore Hitler, went skydiving, hooked up with a real cute dishwasher, went bungee jumping- everything you would do if the Authoress forgot about you for a lot of chapters."

"Oh," Tristan said. Awkward silence.

"So what are you doing here?" asked Duke.

"Meh. We have to do something in this fan fiction," the AC said, bored. "So, anyone to inhumanely stuff in here?" Then Tristan went all creepy on us again towards Duke.

"Yes, yes we do," replied Tristan, taking Duke by the scruff of his collar and somehow pulling him off of the ground with superhuman strength.

"Err," Duke said before being inhumanely stuffed in the AC of Doom.

"GASP!" Yugi shot up. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FRIEND HAVE YOU TURNED EVIL LIKE OH MY GOSH I MUST SAVE HIM! 787687876868685!"

"Woah, that was easier than expected," Tristan said. "DUEL!"

"It's almost a shame I left my cards with Grandpa," Yugi said calmly.

"WHAT!" Tristan yelled.

"He said he needed them for some reason," replied Yugi.

"Guys?" Duke said from the AC of Doom. "I can't breathe in here."

"Now what are we going to do?" asked Leaf.

"Nothing to do but wait," Tristan said.

BACK WITH THE ONLY SANE CHARACTERS IN THIS ENTIRE FANFICTION---

"Hey Serenity, do you have the sinking feeling that we'll be thrown into another funky chapter only- multiple chapter sub plot?" asked Ryo as the helicopter stopped at the port at the first level of the actual apartment.

"Well, since you've said that and cursed us completely, yeah," Serenity replied, jumping onto the platform that led to the door that led to the apartment that led to Joey that led to being significant, that led to world domination. Or at least for Serenity.

As soon as they walked in, they realized that they had indeed been thrown into some sort of sub plot. On the wall was a neon sign reading "Welcome to the Tribe of Enlightenment!" A secretary sat there, playing poker with himself and winning fiercely.

"Hello?" Serenity said uncertainly as the secretary got a royal flush.

"Welcome to the Tribe of Enlightenment," he said distractedly.

"I thought this was an apartment complex," Serenity growled.

"Yup. The people who live here are members of the Tribe of Enlightenment."

Serenity and Ryo sweat dropped. "Joey never told me about this," Serenity managed to say. "Anyway, can we go through?"

"No," the poker player answered. "Not until you hear my beautiful poetic verses telling you your new sub plot:

_A new plot you've been thrown in,_

_Do it for your chin,_

_Three tasks you must do,_

_Cuz I sez so dododosodooo,_

_Raindrops are falling on my head,_

_Not really dead,_

_This world is weird,_

_Wonder what Rebecca's doing,_

_Cuz raindrops are falling on my head,_

_Yeah._"

"So, what do we have to do?" asked Ryo.

"Just got to go to three random guys' apartments and bug em for the stuff I put on this card," the secretary informed as he jotted down three things and showed it to them:

'You must find: What color doughnuts Pegasus prefers (from Alistar).

How many ducks Marik has (from Raphael).

The purpose of life (from Joey).'

"Wait a minute, why is Joey, the person we need to see one we need information from?" asked Serenity.

"Look, there's only four sad, sad members in our tribe," the secretary bursted. "That's why in order to get into the apartment you have to deal with our frinking sad sad lives. UTYUYTUYFGFHGJYGJYGUTY8969689!"

Serenity and Ryo just stared.

"Sorry, pent up emotions," the secretary mumbled, crying.

"Whatever," Serenity said.

MEANWHILE-

"Hey you're not going to cut us off this early, are you?" demanded Ryo. "I mean we got like ten seconds."

ER, UM MEANWHILE-

"Hey, don't you dare!" Serenity's voice droned out.

ANYWAYS, WITH OUR CHIBI OLD GUY AND OBSESSIVE PRETEEN---

Rebecca and chibifying YG sped in the Yugimobile at twice the legal limit to go exactly 0.23432111111 blocks to Tea's house, crushing every car in the process and breaking several world records. They hopped out, with Rebecca's ultimate deck in hand.

No with this deck she just couldn't lose. Nope. No way. Nada. Zilch. Chocolate Herrings.

The two burst in. "Gasp!" gasped Tea. "The stalkers know where I live!"

"Actually, we'd be terrible stalkers if we didn't know where you live," pointed out YG. Silence.

"PREPARE FOR FRIENDSHIP!" Tea screamed anyway, pulling out her bottle of friendship. She sprayed Rebecca and YG with plenty of force.

"I am unaffected!" said YG triumphantly. "Because I'm already infected, I can't be made worse."

"Darn it," said Tea.

"And I still have my special YUGI edition glasses," Rebecca pointed out.

"Double darn it," said Tea. "Well then… Uh…"

"Prepare to duel the mistress of YUGI!" Oh come on do I really have to tell you who's saying this? Are you this ridiculously inattentive? Forget you…

"But I don't duel," said Tea. "I'm the cheerleader who just sits around and is liked a lot. But dueling- tried it once and never again. I prefer Duel Masters over Duel Monsters, actually."

"You're sick," YG said.

"Yeah. Well, if I happened to be forced into dueling by the revival of British elk, I may change my mind. And just to help you, British elk live in the Pacific on the International Date Line." And Tea mysteriously disappeared. Actually, Rebecca and YG disappeared to the International Dateline by Tea's hidden powers of alchemy.

"Well, by YUGI, this sucks," Rebecca said on the funky island they were on.

"I know, it makes me look even more chibi," YG complained.

"Stupid sub plots should be shot by YUGI." And the entire world agreed with that one statement.

What a horrible way to end a chapter. Stupid return of writer's block…

Return of writer's block- I have plenty of books I'm itching to read. As Kaibaman said, I've taken up fangirling. Target bishie- Ed Phoenix of YGO GX! Mission: Failing miserably. But hey, he's cute (this sounds so frinking wrong). Oh well, expect an update next week. Or something. BLEFORO!

---ATTENTION ANZU HATERS AND THE GENERAL PUBLIC--- Anzu saves the entire series. True it is. It was HER idea of transferring the Pharaoh's name's symbols to Pharaoh by the hand holding thing, thus preventing Zork from taking over the world and twisting the world of Memories with our reality. ENTIRELY HER IDEA. Anzu is the series' saver. TAKE THAT TEA/ANZU BASHERS! MUHAHAHAHA, FEAR THE APRICOT!

See you whenever, Lovers!


	10. Special Oktoberfest Edition

**Early update! **It's Oktoberfest everyone! Wecome to the Oktoberfest version of TNTWI (The Night Tristan Went Insane)! I hope you like this chapter as much as I had fun writing it!

I've been doing lots of reading, which has put me in a hyper mood to write. WRITE WRITE WRITE! I don't feel like responding to my fabulous reviewers because popcorn awaits me, but:

The Mad Writer- You own False Memories, don't you? Kaibaman's out of the way. He really is a GX character. But Seto's one of my more favorite ones. I'm not a fangirl of him- but I'm most like him (surprised?). Really, everyYugioh quiz I take makes me Seto. I made up my own quiz, and I was Seto. I did my quiz at random and I was Seto. It's weird. Anyway, I've missed 2 episodes of GX, but it's Judai versus Kaiser. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm not sure if I do. Anyway happy Oktoberfest! (Next time I'll look at your review _while_ I'm writing)

SilverMageChione (typing the really name takes too long, and popcorn...)- Thanks for reviewing so early! Of course, I'm not actually looking at the review whjile typing this (I have read it) so HAPPY OKTOBERFEST! By the way, If it weren't for Anzu, there would be no chartouse pendant thingy to throw at her!

**Chapter What Number was it Again? Oh yeah, Chapter 10: Special Oktoberfest Edition!**

WITH SETO KAIBA---

Finally after 4-6 weeks of long awaited delivery, which due to certain threats came 4-6 weeks earlier, Seto's package had come! Yes it had taken nearly forever! But now it was here! Hooray!

"Finally, now I no longer have to be Kaibaman to get my revenge that will taste better than honey roasted peanuts!" Seto shouted to no one in particular. Slicing through the box with a spork, the package's contents sat there in its wondrous beauty! Finally we will figure out what Kaiba has ordered!

JUST KIDDING, BACK WITH TRISTAN AND DUKE---

"YG better finish up soon," Tristan grumbled.

"Hey guys, do you know what time of year it is?" asked the AC of Doom.

"No," answered Duke from inside.

"IT'S OKTOBERFEST!" The AC said, twirling around on its corner. "So I decided to send out a mad lollipop to attack/ maim/ bring your friends to Munich to celebrate it there!"

"What does this have to do with the plot?" asked Leaf.

"I don't know! Let's go!" Tristan executively decided.

"Oh great," Yugi said. "Another distraction when my POOR HELPLESS friend is stuck in a terrible situation! What am I going to do?"

"You're going to be attacked/ maimed/ brought to Munich by a mad lollipop!" answered the Ac of Doom whose insanity was only outweighed by Tristan's who is the legal owner. Guess it rubs off. Anyway, a large purple lollipop shot through nearby bushes, attacking/ maiming/ bringing them to Munich in a matter of 5,464 seconds!

WITH SERENITY AND RYO---

"Finally, we are at the steps of our first subplot mission," Serenity said to Ryo in front of Alistar's (better known as Amelda in Japanese) door. It had taken a long time to get to his door, mainly because they had no idea where Alistar lived and spent many minutes being frightened by crazy neighbor-type people who were not part of the Tribe and were just there to be complete idiots. Not that the tribe members weren't complete idiots.

"We've finally found it," Ryo said with relief. "It took hours and almost all of our sanity, but our terrible slaving; we can now open this door and have the great satisfaction of a job well done. No, nothing can spoil this minute!"

Serenity sighed. "When will you learn? Now we're cursed." And sure enough, a purple lollipop came and attacked and maimed them all the way to Munich.

BACK WITH YG AND REBECCA---

YG and Rebecca were on a plane to go to the International Dateline. On the weirdo excessively large LCD that airplanes have, urgent news was being displayed.

"Folks, something terribly drastic has happened!" the annoying news lady said. "We're going straight to Munich where the trouble is, where our reporter is being forced to report!"

There was a switch, and suddenly a starved, dead looking reporter came onto the screen. "Help me you people, FOX news has enslaved me and they only give me food when I report and I'm so hungry HELP!" the reporter screamed.

"Now, don't make us have to shock you again!" an off stage voice yelled. "Honestly, there has to be a better way to get reporters than this…"

"Anyway," the reporter said looking at something dangerous off-stage. "Here at Munich where the Oktoberfest is being held, the top European leaders of the world are discussing about moving the International Dateline! We bring you inside LIVE!"

The screen switched to inside a meeting place type thingy room. Some European leaders were sitting along- England, Germany, Luxembourg, Finland, and France- Everyone had an English translator except the English speaking ones- England and I think Finland (let's just say Finland speaks English)- and France because no one wants to be a French interpreter.

"So," the German interpreter began, "Germany wishes to move the International Dateline to Munich, so we can party with the Oktoberfest for an extra day. Any objections?"

"No not really, I'm a jelly donut," said the English guy, who was making a paper airplane that said "BUSH STINX! KENNEDY 4EVER!" on it. Oh yeah, did I mention he happened to be President Kennedy's reincarnate?

"Well, if you give me a couple billion dollars…" the Luxembourg guy said. Suddenly a fat wad of cash appeared out of nowhere. "GERMANY HAS THE LINE!"

"I want pie," said the Finnish guy. "And pretzels. And I'm going to the Oktoberfest. So fine."

"Je ne comprends pas ce que vous dites!" the French guy said, which translates to "I don't understand what you're saying!"

"Sold!" said some random judge who clearly had been on Ebay too much… and put 786 too many scoops of coffee in the ol' pot today. "Back to the reporter! I'll be a ballerina someday!"

"So you see, if you are pointless, lifeless insignificant Yu-Gi-Oh! Or rather Yuugiou! Duel Monsters character heading for a quest to the old International Dateline, you might as well hijack the plane and turn it to Munich!" The reporter reported.

YG looked at Rebecca. He got up. He hijacked the plane. The plane went to Munich. When Rebecca and YG landed in the Oktoberfest, a large purple mad lollipop came and attacked/ maimed them, since they're in Munich anyway.

BACK WITH TRISTAN AND DUKE AND LEAF AND YUGI AND THE AC OF DOOM---

"Hmm, I wonder why Oktoberfest is called Oktoberfest if almost all of it is in September," Yugi said aloud as Tristan tried to convince some poor guy at a tent that he was old enough to drink beer.

"Really, I'm uh- what's the drinking age in Germany?" Tristan said unconvincingly.

"Sechzehn," the guy replied. That means 16, and Tristan is 16. It's almost too bad Tristan can't speak German.

"Yeah, I'm really that age! Come one, just slip me one! No one's looking! I'll give you a big tip!" The poor, harassed German guy sighed as the unnaturally loud Japanese in reality/ English speaking congested for an entire series in 4Kids' sick world, continued to yell at him for something he could have.

And of course a random 4Kids dubber materialized next to Tristan. "Hey you can't have beer!" he yelled at Tristan. "I mean like in One Piece we're going to have to totally edit this scene out!"

"Not if I can help it!"

Everyone turned to see Kaiba, bazooka in hand with a package dragged behind him.

"I'm not going to let you destroy anime!" The bazooka flared up, ready to blast the dubber away!

"Ah ah ah!" the editor said, wiggling his disgusting, anime-hating finger in front of Seto. "No guns, Seto. We wouldn't want the kids to get ideas. Or actually be good dubbers for once." With a twitch of the dubber's finger, the bazooka was paint edited, leaving nothing but the dreaded-

Hand gun-

That's right. Kaiba's expensive and supremely illegal weapon was gone like that! And as a replacement, he got the evil pointy index finder of terrific demise. Everyone is so scared, WoOoOoOoO!

"NOW PREPARE TO DIE! I MEAN BE EDITED!" The dubber laughed his head off like the maniac he is, shooting his Anime destruction LASER straight at poor Kaiba-kun! He was hit, GASP!

Seto shrunk to the ground. But he came up, laughing like a maniac that he actually isn't. "FOOL!" he yelled. "You used that on me years ago to prevent any character development or actual accuracy in the show! You messed me up so bad; I'm no longer even affected! You're dead!"

"Uh-oh," the 4Kids dubber said as Kaiba summoned his Blue Eyes White Dragon onto the field. Of course, a real one P

I'm sure you guys can take it from there on what happened (wink, wink).

WITH SERENITY AND RYO---

"Hey Serenity, I'm starting to feel my sanity come back!" Ryo said excitedly as the two continued walking through all of the tents. But Serenity wasn't paying attention. She was thinking about world domination.

"Maybe the Oktoberfest is the place to start," Serenity thought aloud. "Yes, a large group of people I can gather to brainwash and join my army. And then we'll take over the world with no one to stop us at all…"

"Serenity?" asked Ryo.

"…And yes, that pretzel stand will be perfect in achieving my goals…" Serenity kept thinking.

"Hey, is that Seto?" Ryo said pointing to Kaiba who was laughing as the Blue Eyes was doing whatever your imagination desires to that evil, evil thing that I refuse to call a person.

"… Of course, SetoxSerenity fics will aid in the rest of the- Oh, it is Seto," Serenity said, coming out of her other side of the cosmos.

"And there's Tristan! And Leaf! And Yugi! And the AC of Doom!" Ryo ran up to them excitedly. "Hi guys!"

"Hey, shouldn't you be on your mission?" asked Tristan.

"Well, since we were attacked/ maimed/ brought here we decided to stick around," Serenity said.

On the other side, YG and Rebecca were going up to see what had happened to the 4Kids dubber. Suddenly YG tripped.

"YUGI Gasp!" gasped Rebecca.

"Let me guess," YG said. "My foot and leg has turned chibi?"

"That is correct!" the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire host said, with The Price is Right theme song in the background. There was some confetti, dancing, and then YG got up.

"It's worse than I thought, YUGI's relation," Rebecca said. "We have to revive those British Elk with YUGI! But now, let's go to YUGI and see if he knows how."

Rebecca ran up to Tristan with YG. Yugi promptly screamed.

"GRANDPA! YOU'RE TURNING CHIBI!" he yelled

"Hi guys, and especially you YUGI, we need some help!" Rebecca yelled before launching at Yugi.

"You mean for your little 'problems'?" asked Duke from the AC of Doom.

"Well duh, but we need to revive the nonexistent British Elk in order to duel Tea," YG said.

"Well, I know how to do that," Yugi said, pulling out his alchemy book. "Remember, I'm part Goth, but my nerd side prompted me to research spells and was having a sale. Let's see, page 42, reviving nonexistent British Elk…" Yugi flipped to it. "Okay, here we are:

Ye revival of ye nonexistent British Elk requires thy summoneers to perform an alchemist's most daring move- thy cockerel chicken or rooster danceth. Meanwhile, there should be 67,572 persons EXACTLY in attendance of watching. Sprinkle with pepper and blend until smooth. Now, start up your Game Boy Advance's Pokemon Ruby game. Fly to Litteroot, I repeat FLY, DO NOT WALK AS THIS WILL MESS UP THE GLITCH (I mean alchemy thingy). Walk 6 steps east exactly away from the first trainer from Petalburg. A wild Haunter will attack. Now speaketh ye primordial old words: Anzusavestheseriesandyouknowitandithurts. Bake for 8 minutes at 345 degrees or until golden brown. Now save the game. IF YOU DON'T DO THIS YOUR GAME WILL CRASH AND YOU WILL LOSE ALL SAVED DATA. Now walk, not fly as it will crash your game, to Petalburg while ye consumeth ye unsightly ugly dough made item, allow to cool for five minutes and serve immediately.

_Alchemy for the Practical Goth would like to thank: Shakespeare, Martha Stewart and Nintendo for their generous contributions to this spell. No gel pens were hurt in the making of this book._ _DOLPHIN SAFE FOREVER_!"

"Well, what are we waiting for YUGI?" asked Rebecca. "Let's go beat the YUGI-Stealer!"

"I'm stolen?" asked Yugi. But Rebecca was already running to the field where exactly 67,572 people were. And everyone else followed.

"Hey guys,' Kaiba said. "What about my revenge? You were going to see my terrible thing that would assure me victory! Guys?" But they were too far away to hear our poor Seto-kun. So instead, Seto Kaiba ate way too many pretzels to try and fill his depression and disappointment.

And so it went. YG and Rebecca did the Chicken dance, put pepper in a blender, played Pokemon Ruby, said AnzusavestheseriesandyouknowitandithurtsYUGI (or that's what Rebecca said). They baked, they saved, they ate ye ugly dough (pretzels mmm…).

Then a cube appeared from the sky, saying FROM: HEAVEN, TO: YG AND REBECCA. And the Elk were allowed for the first time since before the Romans to run free like the graceful creatures they are, happily forever! Just kidding. They were all shot to extinction in two minutes. C'mon, you think people actually care about the Earth?

Suddenly, Tea came, riding on a broomstick. "Hello, my pretties," Tea said. "Did you know I'm the world's greatest alchemist?"

"I thought Emannael was," Duke sad from the AC of Doom.

"From GX?" asked Tristan. "But I heard he's just a rip off of Edward Elric…"

"I don't know, the authoress doesn't watch Fullmetal Alchemist!" Tea snapped. Well, she's right. "But I'm here to duel!"

"So am I!" Rebecca shot back. The entire world GASPED!

Gasp.

"What? The authoress finds it impossible to fit YUGI in every sentence, and this is becoming too YugixRebecca-ish, as if it isn't already," Rebecca said. "Besides, I can't fit YUGI in every frinking move I make."

"Whatever," Tea said. "I summon my monsters with the power of alchemy."

"And I use a duel disk…" Rebecca said. She slipped in her deck. "DUEL!"

And so the exciting duel of Oktoberfest is about to begin!

It really is Oktoberfest, and since it ends tomorrow expect a new chapter VERY soon. Happy Oktoberfest to any German readers, and to the non-German ones too. By the way, I'm not German, I'm half South Korean, living here in South Korea, but they have German I here and well, Oktoberfest is in the curriculum :) I did some research: the German drinking age is indeed 16 for beer and wine to my knowledge, and what the French guy said is accurate to my knowledge. The reason the English guy is Kennedy's reincarnate is because, once upon a time, Kennedy went to Germany. He wanted to help his campain. He wanted to say he was from Berlin (Berlin). But due to some messy assumptions, he ended up telling all of Germany that he is a jelly donut (Berlinia). Hehehe...

Not much else to say except: http/i2. is the link to my first .gif animation EVER. If you can't read the text, my mission is complete!


	11. The Exciting Duel of Oktoberfest

Hey, when I move my keyboard over my desk it sounds like a donkey!

Hello. Oktoberfest is actually over, but since I switched the International Dateline in my fic, this chapter isn't considered late. Today, the fabulous I will answer to your reviews:

Atem's Queen- Good to see you back again. Yes I update! Hurrah! THE GLITCH ONLY WORKS ON RUBY! (Actually, I would be twice as surprised as you if it did work on Ruby).

The JapaneseWeirdo- Takes a bow

The Mad Writer- AndI guess you don't own (i know you don't). Me and my crazed assumptions...

Shinja-Chan- Takes Another bow

The Mad Writer- Mercilessly runs after dubbers with an axe DIE! Er um, where was I? Oh yeah, Takes another bow Mmmmm, badgers...

Sniffles. Almost 30 reviews. Thanx so much guys, you really make my day.

NOTE: This chapter contains Major 4Kids bashing at the end. And I love every bit of that :)

Oh, and GO TRISTAN! I forgot for the past chapters for some reason...

**Chapter 11: Exciting Duel of Oktoberfest!**

"I'll start this duel!" Rebecca said as they both drew 5 cards. Tea was using a duel disk because she couldn't just leave her cards of the ground, they'd get all messy and the rain clouds would attack them and such. But she was still going to use the powers of alchemy to summon them!

"Wait, don't we have to do that whole rock, paper, scissors thing to see who goes first?" asked Tea. "Or flip a coin? Or something?"

"That's for losers!" Rebecca yelled. "They never did it in the anime. They shuffled their cards like once or twice through the entire series. Although it does explain how those great combos just sort of show up… Anyway, I'll start by placing 4 cards face down and summoning Ugly Fish!" So she set four cards and summoned her monster Ugly Fish (300 ATTACK and 789 DEFENSE) on the field. It was very ugly. Several thousand spectators fainted, including the AC of Doom, which really isn't possible…

"My turn!" Tea said.

"But I haven't ended my turn!" Rebecca yelled back.

"Then end it!"

"I end my turn. Now you can start yours," Rebecca said.

"This is going to take forever," YG said, pulling out the ultimate card that would assure Rebecca total victory. "Take this."

"Is it legal to do this?" asked Rebecca.

"Don't ask me," said YG. "I've never been shown actually dueling professionally. But may the force be with you!"

"Wrong show." It was Kaiba, who had around per say 46 pretzels in each arm. "I decided to sell all of my stocks for these pretzels!"

"Can't you see they're in the middle of a duel?" Tristan hissed.

"No, not really."

"Anyway, it's my turn," Tea said, drawing a card. "I activate this Spell Card: Destruction of 4Kids Dubbers! This increases my life points by 8000! And I activate Harpy's Feather Duster to get rid of all of your magic/ trap cards!" With a flick of her hand, the first magic card was destroyed; it was called "What a pointless place to put this card!" The next the three were called "Bluff." "Well that was cheap!" Tea pointed out the obvious. "Now I summon the Inflatable Beach Ball!" A beach ball came, inflated. "It has 567 attack points and 0 defense points. Now destroy Ugly Fish!" Tea kicked it at Ugly Fish, and the Beach Ball promptly died. It just died. Somehow…

"AHA!" Rebecca said. "Ugly Fish has a secret ability that you could have seen if you wanted to, but you didn't because you were dumb enough to attack, just like in the series! Ugly Fish destroy all monsters that attack him because he's so ugly!"

"That's really cheap," Yugi said.

"Pegasus must be getting short of ideas," Tristan said.

"I still can't breathe!" Duke yelled from the AC of Doom, which had fainted.

"End turn," Tea said bitterly.

"Now I will draw this card!" Rebecca drew her card. "I summon Heart of Spades!" A pathetic playing card appeared with -45,678,953,389 attack and -45,789,894,332,634 defense. "Now this card may look pointless," Rebecca said. "And it is! Ugly Fish- Attack!" Ugly Fish looked at Tea funny and Tea lost herself 300 life points.

"Tea, you might as well give up," Rebecca sneered. "I play 'Ultimate Anti-Magic' which is an extremely cheap card that prevents you from destroying this card! I end my turn."

"Well, Heart of the Cards, you better get off of your couch and help me for once," Tea said.

"You do know that in the dub I'm perfect for denying the Heart of the Cards' existence because it DOESN'T EXIST IN JAPAN?" asked Kaiba.

"Hey why'd it go all caps?" asked Ryo.

"Because nothing makes sense anymore," Leaf stated the obvious. But since when has anything make sense?

"Well, then I guess the fact Yugi never shuffles his deck is the sole reason he wins," Tea said. She drew. "I summon Uglier Fish! (3000/0) I'm cheap that way, because some guy gave me this 4 star card for the unbelievably low price of peanuts!"

"But Uglier Fish will die to Ugly Fish's effect," retorted Rebecca.

"But Uglier Fish is even uglier so the effect is completely negated," said Tea, using her powers of alchemy to cause the Uglier Fish to destroy Ugly Fish.

"GASP!" gasped Rebecca. "If I don't win the next round, I'll lose!"

"Looks like it'll rain today, but if it doesn't, I guess it won't," said some crazy Batman wannabe as he swooped over Rebecca with a sign that said 'Sentence that restates itself in a redundant and utterly stupid way that shows the authoress likes mangos.'

"Mmm, mangos," Seto thought aloud as he put his pretzel in the best condiment ever- green ketchup.

"Well, the only hope is to use the card YG gave me which I happen to know is on the top of my deck because I put it there!" Rebecca said. She drew. "Oh my gosh! I got YG's superbly awesome card! What a surprise!" She did this whole awesome pose thing, with two underpaid Germans behind her doing the moving action blurb and everything. Rebecca held up her card for very short seconds and played it. "I play the magic card 'Break All the Rules Card!" Rebecca said. "This card allows me to disregard every rule in Yu-Gi-Oh and do whatever I want! I choose to pick up a trap card from my deck." Rebecca chose her card and set it. "Now I take away Heart of Spades from the field and set my trap. Then I summon this Spell Card in Attack Position!" Rebecca summoned Multiply in attack position. "Okay, I end my turn."

"That was a stupid move," Tea said. "Uglier Fish, destroy Multiply with your Ugliness attack!"

"I counter with my 'You Automatically Lose' Trap card!" Rebecca yelled as the attack came nearer. "This allows me to negate your attack and make you automatically lose!"

Tea's life points hit zero.

"NOOOO, HOW COULD I POSSIBLY LOSE!" Tea screamed.

"Maybe it's because you've only dueled like once," suggested Yugi.

"Or because Rebecca is a cheap cheater?" suggested YG.

"Or maybe because you stink at dueling?" suggested Seto.

"WHO ASKED YOU?" snarled Tea.

"Well, I won so I get to steal your soul," Rebecca said.

"Psst, that's our old job," said Varon, Amelda and Raphael.

"Oh. Well, I get to stuff you in the AC right?"

The AC came to life, and with YG's help, Tea was shoved into the AC dangerously close to Duke, who still couldn't breathe.

"Tea, we're just encouraging the shippers," Duke said as Tea bunched up to him uncomfortably close.

"And who said I'm not a shipper?" Tea said sweetly.

"ARGHHHHHHHHH!" Duke screamed, taking up three lines of precious space. Oh well.

"Oh yeah, that reminds me," Yugi said, trying to turn towards Tristan. But his chains got stuck on his shoe, and for several minutes Yugi hopped, saying his threat to Tristan between hops.

"Just- you- wait-Tristan- I'll – get- you- for- becoming –evil –and- sticking –my –friend –with –a –shipper!" Yugi managed to gasp as he jumped there like the world's greatest human pogo stick.

"How bout after Oktoberfest, since we have the rest of the day due to the switching of the International dateline?" asked Tristan.

"Okay," Yugi said, jumping his way over to a beer tent (no one's as innocent as you think they are).

"I'm going to go get high off of those cheesy pretzels," YG decided, hopping his way over there.

Tristan meanwhile harassed the same German beer tent guy on slipping him a mug while no one was looking.

Seto Kaiba sold all of his money to buy some more pretzels.

Duke screamed. And Tea was causing him to.

Rebecca was eating the "Break the Rules" card to assure it never got into the wrong hands.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Okay, not really, but can't we imagine it?

MEANWHILE, AT THE 4KIDS HEADQUARTERS

"You know," Al Kahn said to his partner in ebil, Roger Slifer who is the only reason the Thunder Dragon Osiris was renamed in the dub, "I think we should use more crazy accents that have no correlation in the series! Like, let's give Naruto an Italian accent!"

"OHMYGOSH! That's a great idea!" Roger Slifer said.

Al Kahn went to the freezing chamber, where anime characters were tortured so that they'd have no character when it came to screen time.

"Here, Naruto," Al Kahn lured, with a scrap of cake.

"So hungry… Food!" Naruto lunged at it and ate it hungrily. Roger Slifer pulled him up by the scruff.

"You will listen to me," Al Kahn said, flipping out his Anime destruction LASER, Annoying Italian accent version 9.0 Optimized. "I am your father. You are under my hypnotic spell! Now listen to me!" Naruto's eyes went into a blue spiral. Al Kahn blasted his head with his LASER and put Naruto down.

"Momma Mia! I'm Naruto!" the ninja said as Mario music began to play in the background.

Sakura went up to him. "Momma Mia! What happened to your voice Naruto?" she asked in the same Mario-esque voice. They all did the Mario. Doo du du du do do du do do doh! Doo du du du do do du do do doh! Nah nah nah nah nah nu nu nu nu!

"Wow, that was pointless!" Kisara said from within the chamber and promptly died like she's supposed to (although 4Kids might make her go to the dreaded nonexistent SHADOW REALM! WoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo!)

Note: I don't own Naruto. I don't even like Naruto. But my brother and I got into this discussion about 4Kids and we ended up talking about Naruto with an Italian accent. He's weird that way.

A normal update (rather than a sudden Oktoberfest-y one) will come up on Friday- Saturday. I'm still in a warped reading fever and I'm reading a nice and seriously intellectual one about 1.618... better known as phi. It's called the _Golden Ratio_. GO READ IT.

And remember folks; "The reasonable man tries to adapt to the world, while the unreasonable one persists on adapting the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

LET'SHEAR IT FOR THEUNREASONABLE PEOPLE!


	12. Pie for Lunch

Final Fantasy is an RGP...

Hi guys! I just found out Oktoberfest ends on the 9th, not the 3rd. Oops. Oh well, this fanfiction hasn't made any sense from the minute I started it...

Oh well. Ryo Bakura will answer my reviewers:

Atem's Queen- Now, if you only believe you can, then you will be able to! Thanks for your continuos reviews!

The Mad Writer- Oh a mushroom? I'm honored. I hope you like this chapter, even though I don't think I could ever become a big part in the attack on the attack on anime (why'd they give me a British accent 00?).

SilverChaosMageChione- I don't, the authoress doesn't watch Full Metal Alchemist... All she knows is that there's some guy named Edward Elric in it and he wants to become a master of alchemy, something like that. I'd love to be a jelly donut! Then everybody who's not already a fangirl would be in love with me! (Mmm... Chocolate emu)

SilverChaosMageChione- Rebecca is your new hero. What about me? ;; A shipper is a person who makes pairings. Some are actually somewhat sensable. Since Catapult Turtle knows many more Pokemon shippings... Kantoshipping is AshxMisty. That's somewhat sensible. Dexshipping is Ash's Pokedex x Misty's Pokedex. Misty doesn't even have a Pokedex. Sadly, 4Kids is going to slaughter the Pharaoh's Memories series, and then air it. I hope it doesn't sound like One Piece when they're done with it... Seth survives to help the plot line. Funny, isn't it?

Well, not much to say except STOPWATCH67! And GO TRISTAN!

**Chapter 12: Pie for Lunch**

"I won!" Rebecca said quite randomly, smacking some poor German kindergartner with a back scratcher.

"How are we going to get back to Japan?" asked YG. They were still walking through Munich. Doing something. That I don't care about. Or I'd put a long juicy descriptive paragraph on their every actions, pictures framing in your minds as quickly as possible as a rhythmic beautiful representation is played out. Okay not really.

Anyway, Tristan just shrugged as he wondered why he was being featured so little for being the MAIN character of this fan fiction. I wonder too.

That's when a rabid tour guide jumped from the bushes. He was holding a-

Gasp!

-A pen! There was no escape. How would they get out of this situation now?

Ryo screamed. Serenity muttered something about world domination. Rebecca smacked a kindergartner with a back scratcher. Duke screamed for other reasons. The AC of Doom fainted. YG wasn't paying attention. Leaf didn't care. Yugi was reading more of his spell book. And Tristan was thinking about pineapples.

None of which actually helped.

"I have you now!" the rabid tour guide yelled at the completely insane weirdoes. "I don't like you, so I wish everyone who came here to Oktoberfest would just go back to Japan. Poor innocent kindergartners."

That's when the powers of the Force lifted all of our characters and brought them back to where the in the name of nonexistent British elk they were supposed to be. And so:

MEANWHILE, WITH SERENITY AND RYO---

"You know what, the authoress must be feeling really cheap if we just somehow magically float back to the plot," Serenity said as she opened Amelda's door.

Inside were a bunch of packets of catsup, all stacked to the ceiling. There were candles barely lighting the room. "What kind of place is this?" asked a scared Ryo.

"You are on the ground of the Sacred Catsup Believers!" Amelda surfaced from the packets of ketchup.

"Is it a cult?" asked Ryo.

"No, it's a way of life."

"How many members do you have? Is it an army? Are they interested in my quest for world domination?" asked Serenity.

"Actually, the divine catsup gods have only chosen me so far," Amelda admitted.

"Catsup gods?" wondered both Ryo and Serenity.

"LE GASP! YOU HAVE ANGERED THE GREAT CATSUP GODS!" Lightening came out of nowhere and promptly missed them, shocking our favorite girl- erm guy Amelda to very small bits.

"Catsup gods…" Serenity repeated, suddenly interested.

"What did we come here for, again?" asked Ryo.

"Ryo Bakura, I remember it like it was yesterday…" Serenity began.

FLASHBACK!

"Mmm… Pie…" Serenity thought as she ate her pie for lunch in her elephant suit.

"SERENITY! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!" Ryo screamed in hysteria as he did the Lobster Dance from the Amanda Show.

"BAM! KICK IT UP ANOTHER NOTCH!" screamed some random Emeril impersonator.

"HEY you're not Hungarian!" Serenity screamed back. "How COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!" Serenity left to Rhode Island where she was never seen again.

END FLASHBACK!

"Hey that's not what happened," Ryo realized. "And I don't talk like that!"

"Mmm… Pie…" Serenity relished.

"THAT ANGERS THE CATSUP GODS!" Amelda said, getting struck by another bolt of light.

"I'm going to go play Pong in the lobby," decided Serenity.

"But we have to find out what color donuts Pegasus prefers!" Ryo whined.

"But they have 3D Pong," Serenity whined back. "Joey stuffed my CD-drive in my computer with red carrot sticks so I can't play it at home."

"Fine," Ryo said, courage flaring in his heart. "I'll do it then- I'll ask Amelda what color donuts Pegasus prefers all by myself." Le gasp! Character development!

"What color donuts does Pegasus like?" asked our favorite sane character to our favorite girl- erm guy.

"YOU HAVE ANGERED THE CATSUP GODS AGAIN!" Amelda yelled before getting struck with some more lightening, then being drenched by a storm cloud that happened to just form over her- erm his head because bad luck does that to you.

"What doesn't anger the catsup gods?" asked Ryo politely.

"The catsup gods approve only of catsup," Amelda explained, grabbing a bunch of catsup packets and rubbing on them whispering things that are certainly not appropriate for the targeted audience. In other words: AMELDA, SHUT UP!

"Catsup gods are angered," Amelda suddenly said, getting hit by more lightening.

"I just want to know what color donuts Pegasus prefers," Ryo said politely again.

"Forget the catsup gods, I gotta find a new cult," said a frizzled up Amelda.

A random blueberry cobbler fell out of the sky.

"ALL HAIL- THE BLUEBERRY COBBLER GOD HAS GIVEN!" Amelda immediately bowed, and was promptly shot with lightening.

"So what color donuts does Pegasus prefer?" asked Ryo, who was now beyond bored.

"If you get up and dress like a flagon while dancing to the Mexican hat song," Amelda said. "I just might tell you."

Bakura sighed as he was given his flagon costume. It reminded him of that time in 5th grade:

FLASHBACK!

"Welcome to Mrs.' Keanne's class presentation of The Bible, completely unabridged," the evil principal said as the poor, helpless kids were more or less thrown on stage. People threw popcorn at them for no specific reason.

"Okay, Ryo, it's your turn to narrate," Mrs. Keanne said to an incredibly adorable chibified version of Bakura-kun. After being sent, aka being chained against your will on stage, Bakura tried to begin.

"Erm, in the beginning, it's the beginning right? Well, there was God, no that's not right. UM UM!" Ryo was having a deadly Pokemon reaction to a girl with a fluffy Pikachu in the front row.

And then the penguins attacked. And everybody died.

END FLASHBACK!

"Hey, that's not what happened!" Ryo yelled. Hey, how can hear the narrator?

"THAT ANGERED THE BLUEBERRY COBBLER GOD!" Amelda screamed before getting shocked again.

"Can you please just tell me what color donut Pegasus prefers?" asked Ryo.

"He loves turquoise donuts!" Amelda yelled. "Hey why does the lightening only hit me when I say…?" He was shocked again.

"Well, I guess I'll go find Serenity and play pong!" Ryo decided as he skipped out of the room, leaving the blueberry cobbler god to frizzle Amelda into nothingness.

MEANWHILE, WITH SERENITY---

"Yes, my precious 3D generic rectangular prism with a happy face, KILL that penguin! Muhahahahahahahaha!" Serenity yelled.

"Woah, I won again," said the front guy who played poker with himself all the time. "It must be my lucky day!"

"Hello Serenity!" piped up Ryo. "Guess who knows what color donuts Pegasus likes?"

"Amelda? Pegasus? That front receptionist type guy?" asked Serenity.

"Actually, yeah…"

"Oh." Serenity said.

"I do too!" Ryo chirped and they were all temporarily happy. That's when the oysters came…

MEANWHILE, WITH TRISTAN, YG, DUKE, LEAF, YUGI etc---

"I won!" Rebecca said before hitting Tristan with a rice cooker (fully loaded).

"Hey, does anyone hear something?" asked Tristan. Yes, there was a little sound, a very small squeaking…

It came into view.

Its ferocious bulk. Its size. Its sheer viciousness…

"It's a dwarf hamster," YG managed to whisper. The dwarf hamster twitched its whiskers, ready to attack. No there's nothing worse than a dwarf hamster. They are communist, they are dangerous, and they are often armed. But it looks like 4Kids got to this little guy's gun…

"Guys, what are we going to do?" mouthed Yugi.

"Dwarf hamsters have poor eyesight," mouthed Rebecca. "Maybe if we keep still it'll pass us."

"GUYS WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?" Tristan yelled. "I DON'T READ LIPS!"

The dwarf hamster attacked. But Leaf came between the two.

"NOOOOOO!" Duke yelled from the AC of Doom.

Leaf disappeared with the other hamster. She sacrificed her life to save theirs. Isn't that romantic? Tragic? Angsty?

If it is, then I'm just kidding. Leaf talked to the dwarf hamster because she can. The dwarf hamster nodded before narrowing its eyes and running off.

"Wow, Leaf what'd you tell it?" Asked Duke. Leaf snorted.

"I told it that there's plenty of human flesh at the 4Kids headquarters," Autumn Leaf said as smug as a bug under a rug, waiting for a human to creep closer.

"Oh," Everyone said.

"WELL LET'S HAVE PIE FOR LUNCH!" Tristan yelled again, crashing into the wall with his questionable sanity and returning with a couple thousand sundae pies. Mmm… Chocolate…

MEANWHILE, AT THE 4KIDS HEADQUARTERS---

"Recent news reports have shown that certain insignificant YGO characters are causing havoc all over the world," some reporter said on TV. "Officials are standing by. If you see any of the above, call your legal control type people. We are still waiting for 4Kids to give us the details." Then the screen switched to embarrassing pictures of Tristan eating an aircraft, Duke watching the Pharaoh's Memories Series, Serenity in a fluffy bunny costume for last Halloween, Rebecca whacking people with light switches, and YG stealing from donation boxes.

"What are we going to do?" asked Slifer.

"We're going to keep quiet and stop these guys by ourselves," Kahn replied. "We need the next jet to Japan. And we need to get new curtains."

MEANWHILE, WITH SETO KAIBA---

Seto ate another pretzel as he tried to find a stock he could hack into and control. He'd have to make back that ten billion dollars all by himself. He didn't regret anything. I mean really, pretzels are awesome, especially a fresh German one dipped in mustard.

Anyway, Seto looked at the package where his secret weapon was. No, he'd have to use it another chapter…

And soon the next chapter will come! WoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo! Yeah. Stick around, I've got 33 reviews ;; Thanx guys.


	13. The Evil Chapter of Bad Luck

I return!

EVIL BAD LUCK SHALL OCCUR! MUHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway, I'm wretchedly bored and barely half awake, so onto the reviews:

SilverChaosMageChione- Yeah, Tristan's not too main to be the main character lol. You're not the only one who thought Amelda looked like a girl. I mean the Japanese namne sounds a fat bit like girl's name, and I assumed that there were typoes at every sight with he instead of she. As for what Kaiba's secret weapon is... I'm going to play with your mind until Seto reveals it himself...

Atem's Queen- Hammy! I love hamsters! I hope it lives a long and happy life! And I hope your brother is nice to animals! Hey I'm updating! Whee!

The Mad Writer- Hmm, chocolate covers drugs/ caffeine/ sugar, and I overdose that forever... Sleep? What's sleep? -Kamikazis into 4Kids headquarters for absolutely no reason!-

Hurrah! GO TRISTAN!

**Chapter 13: The Evil Chapter of Bad Luck**

Tristan picked up a certainly unhealthy, and definitely not recommended by four out of five surveyed dentists amount of pie, shoving it in inhumanly. He was pretty much the only person eating pie after about an hour; Tea was making dying noises from the AC of Doom. Pie does that to you. Of course, no one paid attention to the chapter number. That's right- 13. TIME FOR THE EVIL CHAPTER OF BAD LUCK!

MEANHILE, WITH OUR SANE AND SLOWLY BECOMING LESS SANE AND MORE FOCUSED ON WORLD DOMINATING CHARACTERS---

"You know Serenity, I think that character development really did me good," Bakura said.

"Ughh," Serenity said like a mindless drone, staring blankly at the computer screen as she racked up some major points in Pong. For you non-comatose people, that literally translates to: _Dearest Ryo, I am proud in you accomplishments. Yes, together is a harsh, perhaps dangerous future, but I intend to make it all the way through. Together we will crawl from this nightmare. Blah, blah, INSERT TRAGEDY AND TEEN ANGST HERE._

"Yep, yep, yep ughhh!" Ryo said happily. "I wonder what luck we'll have next."

"Ughh," Serenity answered which translates to: _How many times must I tell you? You've cursed it._

Although he didn't need to, because the chapter number is all bolded and underlined and such. That's when an 'Infer' appeared from around the corner.

"Whoa- is that an Infer?" asked Ryo, pointing to it. Serenity looked.

"Yes, it is! Let's use the random Pokedex to look it up!" She flipped out a Pokedex, and looked up 'Infer.'

"Infer, the weird fanfic Pokemon," the Dexter said. "Infer is a phone number rarely seen in the wild. It is known to cause bad luck and plot drawbacks."

The infer looked up at them with its sweet 3 and 0. "Let's catch it," Ryo said, pulling out a Pokeball and sending out Lamp- the lamp Pokemon! In fact it looked a lot like a lamp. Because it is a lamp!

"Lamp, use your nothing attack!" Ryo commanded. Lamp just sat there. "Good! Now use take up space attack!" It just sat there. "Keep it up Lamp!" Yes, Lamp was being perfect in his strategy- doing nothing.

Infer drew closer, its 6 and 8s ready to make this chapter specialified. Before Lamp could move at all (which won't be for a while anyway), Infer attacked, bringing Ryo and Serenity to the source of the phone number. Which for no reason is Yugi's.

BACK WITH YUGI, TRISTAN, A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE AND CO. ---

"You know, I think we'll get distracted from the plot today," Tristan said. Suddenly, Serenity and Ryo tumbled into the room.

"Hi," Ryo said, as Serenity cried because she couldn't play Pong anymore. A black cat swept by.

"Hey! A kitty!" Tristan ran after the black cat to another twelve black cats (thirteen black cats total), stepped on 13 cracks, running under 13 ladders and knocking down 13 salt shakers in the process. Oops.

"I wonder if we should be afraid," Yugi thought.

"Only if you're superstitious," Tea said from the AC of Doom.

"Oh, dear, we're all going to die then," said Leaf, who was rubbing her lucky synthetic rabbit foot. I mean, she's a hamster. Carrying a real rabbit foot would be difficult.

Suddenly, they were all swept away on their feet deep into a fanatical world, of princesses, dragons and telekinetic pencils. They had entered the depths of my very crooked mind.

Side Note: I am not superstitious. Why? My friend had a black cat, who was a very good kitty I loved a lot; I spill salt whenever I reach for it; I step under and over ladders all the time; I live on the 13th floor, after leaving America on June 13th. Before then, my rodent rescue group had rescued 13 baby hamsters, I was in room 130 (13 with a 0) at a hotel, I started art school on July 13th, and I'm 13 right now; plus a gazillion other 13 related incidents and properties. And I've somehow lived to tell the tale…

A random butterfly on fire zoomed by. In the distance was a poster of Ed Phoenix, and millions of turtles were just grazing around in their awesomely cute way. Yugi, Rebecca, YG and the AC of Doom were gone; Only Leaf, Tristan, Serenity and Ryo were in this paradise. _Actually, they're in the castle._

"Who said that?" asked Tristan as a random raven through cupcakes at him.

_I did._

"I think it's the narrator and creator, speaking to us," Leaf thought aloud.

_That is correct. If you want to see your friends, to the castle you must go…_

"Will I ever get married?" asked Tristan.

_What in the frinking name of nonexistent British Elk is that about? _

"I dunno. But will I?"

_Sigh. Not in this mind. Why don't you get stuck in a shipper's mind instead?_

"Can I?"

_No._

"Why not?"

_Dude, it's for your own good. Trust me on this. _

"Trust? What's that?"

"C'mon guys, we have to get to the castle," Ryo said. "Then I can somehow get us out of here!" Ryo pulled Tristan away from a particularly pointy piece of grass as the foursome trekked to the castle. But I was feeling generous, so I swept them up to the castle entrance.

In front of them was a Sphinx. "To pass through, a riddle you must complete," said the Sphinx, filing those sharp claws. Tristan threw a tomato at her. She fainted.

"Well, that works too!" Tristan said and they passed over into the castle to the next guard.

The next guard was a pretty penguin. "To pass through me, you must answer this incredibly hard question," he began. But Tristan hit him with another tomato. And he fainted.

"This is getting cheaper by the minute," Leaf murmured.

And they came to the final guard, which protected the room where Yugi and the rest were. It was a turtle.

"To pass me, you must answer a multiple choice question," she said, prestige flickering in her eyes. Tristan threw a tomato at her. And she had enough sense to duck.

"I'm all out of tomatoes," Tristan said, starting to cry.

"You, Tristan, will answer my question." She gave him the 'Who wants to Be a Millionaire Final Round, lose it and you're out of this game and get like 500,000 dollars instead of a million you loser' look. "Mine is on volleyball. Question: How do you do the spike? A.) Face the ball and go in a right, left, right, left jump pattern and use a two footed takeoff, contacting the ball with a downward thrust. B.) Swing arms to break ceiling tiles. C.) Turn away from the ball so that it hits the back of your head to hit the ceiling, while flailing your arms and doing the chicken dance before 'Raising the roof' for the other team's scored point. So which will you choose?"

"What's volleyball?" asked Tristan. There was a long sigh from everyone else.

"Listen, I'm a frinking hamster and even I've played volleyball," Leaf said.

"Does that mean it's an album from Britney Spears?" asked Trsitan.

"Just answer the question," the turtle said in her highly refined way.

"Hmm, I'm leaning towards C on this one…" Tristan said as he tried to think through the insanity in his brain.

"Great Glaux, what did I do to have to baby-sit a fool like this?" Leaf muttered, half to herself, half to Glaux and half to everyone else. Which means she muttered half more than usual!

"I say A!" Tristan decided. Everyone perked up. He got it right?

"Is that your final answer?" asked the turtle.

"No way! My final answer is C!" Everyone sweat dropped, then anime fell.

"You're lucky I'm feeling generous today," the turtle grumbled. "Well, actually you're not lucky because this is the chapter of bad luck… So you're bad lucky."

"Huh?" asked Tristan.

"Please, just go," the turtle said, rearranging her thoughts and rubbing her head from a sinus headache. As they left, no one seemed to realize that was just me in turtle form…

They opened the door.

Yugi sat in his throne, dressed as a pretty princess. He was watching prince AC of Doom battle the evil dragon Rebecca. Meanwhile YG was eating sausage. Lots of sausage.

"Uhh," Tristan said to Yugi. "We got to go soon."

"I wonder why the authoress made me a pretty princess," Yugi thought aloud. _Are you sure you want to know?_

"Yeah," answered the AC of Doom who had blocked another blast of fire. Duke was sleeping inside and Tea was making up new shippings (Immortalshipping- ObeliskxRa, Snakeshipping- that one snake that attacked Mahado in that one episodexMahado at least it explains its motives).

_My mind is a dark labrynth. I take real things and twist them until they break. I hide the pieces under the old carpet and scream twice. Then these fragments that gather up tend to group and soon they become this weird junk in my mind. _

"Uh, can we go back now?" asked Tristan.

_Not until you dance to the instrumental karaoke version of Overlap by Kimeru._

The music started, and the square dancing began.

After that, they were all swept on their feet again, back to unreal reality. Ryo and Serenity were at Raphael's door. "We need to figure out how many ducks Marik has," Serenity remembered. They pranced right in where Raphael was doing the impossible, the unthinkable.

He was licking his elbow.

"So, how many ducks does Marik have?" Serenity asked immediately.

"What's it to ya?" he asked, his elbow still in place as he did the physically impossible.

"I'll give you Nigeria- Land of refusing twice to accept going to a party- when I succeed in world domination," she answered.

"He has none," Raphael said. "He allergic to living creatures."

"Huh?" asked Ryo.

"He takes medicine for his allergies though," Raphael continued.

"Oh," said Serenity.

"THAT HAS ANGERED THE GUARDAIN TYPE MONSTER TYPE THINGYS THAT I'M SO OBSESSED WITH!" Raphael yelled, getting shocked by some lightning. Where have we seen this before?

"Well, bye," Ryo and Serenity said, walking off to Joey's room.

"THAT ANGERED THE GUARDIAN TYPE MONSTER TYPE THINGYS AGAIN!" Raphael screamed, getting frizzled like another Doom character.

BACK AT THE 4KIDS HEADQUARTERS---

"It was hard, but I managed to get us some tickets to Japan, wounding ten old ladies and forty three animes in the process," Slifer reported to Kahn.

"Excellent. Let's leave immediately." So they left. Immediately.

Then the dwarf hamster came in, its ears and whiskers twitching. "This place needs new curtains," he said aloud as he got up on those cute fuzzy hind feet and looked around. He ran over to a bunch of controls. "What's this?" he wondered, picking up a tape that read 'Episode 200 of Yu-Gi-Oh! Dubbed and appropriately slaughtered.' He threw it aside, picking up one that read 'Episode 200 of Yuugiou! Duel Mosters Subtitled- DO NOT AIR!' So he put it in the VCR that connected to Kids WB that told the wonderful truth and themes to everyone in the world. And everyone was satisfied for once.

Then the dwarf hammy ran over to the tank of anime destruction, where a dead Kisara, normal Naruto and alcoholic Brock all coexisted. He smiled, picking the lock. He was gonna have some fun tonight.

I'm tired. Good night...


	14. Attack of the Mustelids!

Well, I'm not allowed to post responses to everyone's reviews anmore, but I can still tell you: I AM ALIVE! BE HAPPY FOR THIS UPDATE! Gosh, I've been so busy lately. I'm even illustrating a book cover (and I'm 13)! Too much to do. That's why this chapter has taken over a month to write. It's longer than the others. I have revived back for good! Expect at least another chapter before Christmas and of course, a Christmas special! In case you're wondering, Mustelids are creatures in the weasel family, including badgers, wolverines and ferrets.

**Chapter 14: Attack of the Mustelids**

WITH WHOEVER THE HAGSMIRE THIS STORY IS ABOUT---

"You know, I think I'll get my own motto," Tristan said to our incredibly bored friends who for whatever reasons didn't seem to mind the authoress is trying to lengthen this fiction by delaying Tristan's duel…

"Mottos taste good," YG said hungrily. "I'm going to order some pizza." I could have a bunch of luscious poetic prose of millions of descriptions on how velvety his voice was, but I won't so GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR!

Meanwhile, Serenity was watching an excessively gory movie, hoping to get some tips for her plan of world domination. "That was awesome!" Serenity exclaimed as some good guy fell off of a really tall tower and burst into flame just for that dramatic effect, before blowing up into oblivion.

Rebecca was bored. She hadn't moved in hours. She was intently staring. Then she burst into flame for reasons unknown before being tackled by an I.D. card. But still, no one seemed to care.

The AC of Doom was watching the same excessively gory movie as Serenity. At long last, Duke no longer screamed in terror. Some assumed he was dead, some say it was because Leaf had put forty layers of duct tape over his mouth. But the world will never know.

And Leaf herself was watching mysteriously well subbed episodes of YGO! She was mainly wondering, though if it was one of the horsemen of the apocalypse.

AND NOW TO- WAAIIT A MINUTE WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT SECTION? IT WAS LIKE SO SANE---

Oops. I forgot about the plot, actually…

WANT TO TRY IT AGAIN---

Maybe. Anyway, Tristan was eating a Pokeball that had been laid by a Golden Snitch when there was a faint knock. WHICH COULD ONLY MEAN INSANITY IS ON ITS WAY!

"We must set up the defense system at once!" Tristan screamed, immediately cutting the power for the TV and basically every electronic system except the computer.

"Er, why'd you cut off the power?" asked YG. Ah, a smart question at last.

"For that dramatic effect!" answered Tristan who suddenly burst into flame. "NOW TO THE COMPUTER!"

Yugi was already getting the badger song up. The door was cracking, a pale moonlight slithering out. I know. That was poetic! Because I said it was slithering out, but it's not actually a snake. Yeah. Metaphor to the max-o.

A foot stepped in. A cold chill seemed to cover the entire room. The rest of the owner came out. It was…

HARRY POTTER!

He looked like he had been chased for thirty-seven miles before running into several trees, then taking a wrong turn at Albuquerque and buying way too many pistols at the gun shop. Yes, your worst nightmare.

"He's not succumbing to the great BADGERS!" gasped Tristan.

"You have to help me," he said at once, taking his pistol and flinging it somewhere behind him, which hit a bird, that hit a car, that hit a mole, that got the black plague from the car, that exploded, that ended its species, that caused the earth to fall out of orbit, that hit Mars, that hit a random really big asteroid, that hit the sun, that hit a star, that hit a black hole, that hit another black hole, that hit the center of the universe, that hit some other universes that suddenly killed everyone in a dramatic explosion with nuclear mushrooms that messed up the order of life as we know it.

But hey, since when has life _not_ been messed up?

"I've been chased by the fangirls!" he continued. "The only way I could get by was throwing Draco at them. They stopped for a while, but they're chasing me again! I need food, rest and-"

Tristan slammed the door before yelling "MAY GOD HELP US! THE ONIONS ARE COMING!"

The door opened again. Then it was shut. Then it was opened. Then it was shut again. And then…

You get the point.

But Harry used some very illegal spells and kept the door from slamming back. "C'mon, you owe me this!"

"We do?" asked Leaf.

"Well, no, but you should…"

"NEVER YOU FREAKY RED COAT OF A VEGETABLE!" Tristan yelled and slammed the door on Harry's wand. Oops (okay, not really).

For no peculiar reason, Hedwig landed on his arm. Harry opened the door again, a single tear drop falling. Could it be angst, tragedy, something better than this stuff which is worth your weekly dose of crack!

Pfft. Yeah right.

"Voldemort killed my parents," he added.

"O RLY?" asked the funky O RLY! Owl that pops up everywhere. There's even a YUGIOH RLY! One. Yup, owls were not made to have Yugi's hair.

"What do you mean, they weren't made to have my hair?" asked Yugi, coming dangerously close to err us I guess. "DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST MY HAIR?" I cannot tell a lie. Normally. I have nothing against it.

A random kamikaze watermelon flew into Yugi's hair. "Cool hair cut!" said a billion Harry Potter fan girls from the open doorway.

"That explains the draft," General of the pink ducks noted.

"Uh-Oh." But Yugi had nowhere to run!

Is this the end of our spiky head hero? Or will Tristan actually play a part in this fiction? Or am I just crazy? Oh well. The world will never know.

Well, until later in the chapter.

BACK WITH RYO AND SERENITY---

"Hey Serenity, I was wondering why you're here if the authoress put you earlier in the chapter," Ryo said. They had at last made it to Joey's room. Took 'em long enough.

"That's because I was watching the gory movie here, but the others were watching it over there," she said, knocking the door down with awesome ninja skills she picked up from watching Naruto. For no reason in particular, the door burst into flame.

They were hit with a blueberry cobbler. "HEY YOU!" yelled some monk- like guy. "You are on the Sacred Holy Ground Type Thing of the Blueberry Cobbler God! You must bow to the cobbler!"

They didn't realize they had walked on the top level. In front was a staircase. A long, long staircase going into the clouds.

Serenity pulled out the cobbler from her hair and threw the syrupy blueberries and pastry at the monks, who began worshipping it immediately. "Well, that was easy," she said, running up the stairs.

"Wait Serenity, what if it's a—"

A huge Block-Block from Mario appeared from the staircase, which Serenity crashed head on to.

"Trap?" finished Ryo. Of course, Serenity couldn't hear him. Neither would you if a poorly made 3D model was kicking you down a couple flights of stairs.

"Maybe there's a shortcut?" suggested Ryo. "Whenever we do things the right way, we find out there's a perfectly safe alternative way to get there. So why don't we look for that?"

On cue, a flaming phoenix appeared out of nowhere.

"Yo my G's, want a ride to the Gangsta Masta?" The phoenix asked, an iPod playing rap in its ears.

"Uh. Yeah." Said Ryo. They climbed aboard. And they made it to the top undisturbed, unless you count the random kamikaze watermelon that crashed into them multiple times.

"Here you are, Dawgs, I gotta get the newest albums of trashy music that pops my eardrums," the phoenix said as Ryo and Serenity slipped off. In front of them was a chair. It was sparkly gold. Not very well made compared to the chairs and thrones of ancient Machu Pichu (that's no typo- the great center of the Pikachu empire where everyone praised his cute pre-evo) and the Mayans (who rule!), but getting into the technicalities and speculations of how and why magnetics were practical to these seats, and why gold has constantly been esteemed are far too protracted for this typing session. I think I'll turn the nerd switch off now.

"Well, this is it," Ryo said.

"After this, Tristan's duel can't be stalled anymore," added Serenity. She poked the throne. The throne shuddered. Many badger assistants came from the shadows, snarling quietly.

"What bidding do you bring- a good one, a bad one or a mediocre one?" asked the closest badger. "Don't make us release the wolverines (they're scary)."

"Not the wolverines (they're scary)!" screamed Ryo.

"Ah, you didn't answer our first question! Now face the wolverines (they're scary)." Out of nowhere, a little box popped up, and in that box was another box, and in that box was another, and in that box was another box and in that box was Thylacine, and in that Thylacine was a box, and in that box was another box and in that box was a---

WOLVERINE (they're scary)!

"Grrr, I'm mad," the wolverine (they're scary) said. It looked just like a---

"HEY IT LOOKS LIKE A FERRET ON STEROIDS!" Serenity blurted out. She only speaks the truth. Have you ever seen a wolverine (they're scary) up close? All it is is one big ferret.

"Serenity, we're not allowed to endorse drugs on Bakura reminded.

"But- a –ferret-on-steroids!" she laughed at the wolverine (they're scary) who was trying to angrily slice off everyone's heads.

"ENOUGH OF THIS!" Legume. A kind of mushroom. Or something like that. Oh wait, where was I? Oh yeah, that voice came from the throne, and he was throwing legumes at everyone. That's right.

The throne swirled around to reveal---

BACK TO THE OTHER GUYS (HAHAHAHA CLIFFHANGER) ---

"DIE FAN GIRLS! DIE!" Yugi screamed, throwing Tristan at them and running into a broomstick several times inside the house. That's when it hit him (again, and again). Broomsticks could fly in Tom and Jerry. Why shouldn't it fly here?

"Forget you, gravity!" he screeched once more before jumping on and flying away in the night. WOW, that's gotta be the cheapest thing I've written so far.

MEANWHILE---

Thankfully, the fan girls didn't really care about Tristan. They squashed him lots. It's like the guard dogs that used to patrol the border of East and West Germany. It didn't matter if you threw them a ham, because they were trained specifically to attack people. Here, it didn't matter if you threw them a Tristan, because they were trained to attack whoever the specific group was after. And groups of Tristan lovers? O Pleez.

"HURRAY, I'M DEAD!" Tristan yelled as the fan girls followed Yugi. Wherever he was going.

BACK WITH KAIBA---

"Soon, my ultimate weapon, we will get rid of those insignificants and restore the natural balance to the world," said Seto, pushing his box (on wheels) up the hill to Yugi's house. The box said nothing.

"Oh shut up," Kaiba snapped as he continued up. Soon, he'd get his revenge.

BACK WITH THE DWARF HAMSTER---

The dwarf hamster twitched his whiskers in apparent disgust. Something was wrong with the machine spurting out episodes. Now, I'm not going to say dwarf hamsters are stupid. Let's just say they're a little on the challenged side.

"Squeak?" said the dwarf hamster. "Squeak squeaky squeaker squeak!" The hamster slowly sorted out a way to fix it. "Squeak!" It decided. It ripped out all of the cords from the machine. It still didn't work. "Squeak you!" It growled. Little did it know someone was making it not work. It was stealing_ power_.

LE GASP!

I hope you enjoyed it. Boy, sure has changed over these 2 months. Happy after-Thanksgiving!


	15. In Which Something Happens

Whee! I didn't die. I promised another chapter before Christmas and I just made it wipes brow Phew! Now onto the story, Christmas Special's coming sometime tomorrow:

**Chapter 15: In Which Something Happens**

The dwarf hamster began nibbling through the cords, causing very small and painful shocks to be sent up his little furry form (kids, don't try this at home!). Of course, rodents don't really do well with negative reinforcement. Or positive, for that matter. Right now, the hammy was getting tons of negative, since electrons are negatively charged particles.

LET US FOLLOW THOSE WIRES TO A MACHINE---

There was a machine. Taking energy. From the wires…

AND WE FOLLOW THE MACHINE'S WIRES TO A (I NEED A NEW JOB) ---

And there it was! How could anyone not see it! In all of its glory!

And now, I, Catapult Turtle, will reveal…

It was a jet. And on it were the two evilest minds imaginable. Yes! I have not forgotten Al Kahn and Roger Slifer!

"When are we going to Japan?" asked Slifer loudly.

"When we suck enough power from our own base and have enough free reward miles from Visa credit cards," Kahn said EVILLY!

"That's really cheap," a random Harry Potter fan girl said aloud outside.

"I know," Kahn said, and immediately turned her into a Cabbage Patch Kid using an ash tray.

"What's not cheap about us? We reuse voice dubbers, make edits that would be done better by a four year old, cut out stuff, find the moldiest dialogue around and generally suck like our weird machine."

Al Kahn's phone rang. And rang. And rang again. Then he picked up the phone. But it still rang. Then he opened the phone. And it stopped ringing. "Hello?" said some guy on the other side of the line, but for security purposes, we'll just call him Mr. Ramirez.

"What is it now?" he snapped. "We've been stuck in this plane for like 9 frinkin' hours. Do you have enough miles now?"

"Uh, actually, about that…" he said. "We got so many miles; we decided to move to China. We are currently very happy, are married and are starting families. So, uh, bye forever, Princess." And then the other side of the line went click.

"NOW WE CAN'T GET TO JAPAN!" Kahn said, with a real death grip on the obvious.

"Why don't we just god-mod our way there?" asked Slifer.

"Have you been on Runescape?" Kahn growled.

"No, that's actually an RPG term. When n00bs decide to give themselves ultimate power and kill everyone and the plot. I do it all the time!"

"Then let us god-mod!" Kahn said, and they god-modded their way across the Pacific Ocean and into tomorrow- Japan!

WITH SERENITY AND RYO---

Yes! They had made it to Joey. They stared at him. He stared at them. They gawked. Then there was Little Red Riding Hood, but since she made her house of straw, the mean old witch was thrown in the oven. Wait, wrong story. Or stories. Whatevah.

"And now we will find out the meaning of life!" Ryo said. "Painlessly!"

"You've cursed it again," Serenity muttered as a boot suddenly appeared out of nowhere and attacked.

"Silence fools!" Joey declared. "I am now the holder of infinite knowledge."

"I thought you were an idiot," Ryo said, confounded.

"SHUT UP!" he yelled, pelting Ryo with a few goobers and hairbrushes. "I was once an idiot. NOW I AM AN IDIOT WITH INFINITE KNOWLEDGE!"

"Glaux help us all," Serenity muttered. "We just need to ask a frinkin' question. If that's so frinkin' hard to do, why don't you frinkin' go frinkin' murder yourself so I frinkin' angst?"

Ryo turned to Joey. "She has problems," he affirmed in a whisper.

"Oh."

…

"So," Ryo said.

"So," Serenity said.

"So, what is the meaning of life?"

Joey gasped. "Why hast thou forsaken us in our purity!" he gasped.

"That's from Guardians of Ga'Hoole, book 2!" Serenity screamed. "THAT WAS TEH MAJOR SPOILERZ! IT BASICALLY REVEALED THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE SERIES IN ONE SENTENCE!"

"I am High Tyto!" Joey insisted. One of his penguin guards hit him in the back of the head with a tomato. You may not know this so allow me to explain:

Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was asked by her mother to bring some custard to her elderly Grandmother, since Hoody often got herself in trouble back home. On her path, while picking a bouquet of flowers, the Big Bad Wolf came out and hit her in the head with a tomato. Her body swelled until she became a bloodthirsty manticore, which had the power to make Wolfy into solid gold. He was sold on eBay (highest bidder was swiperman8963335). She ate the custard (it's how she obtains her gold-turning power) and turned the forest into gold, before selling it on eBay (highest bidder this time was bettathanu6778). Later, the scientists held a convention and tested the manticore. Their results were inconclusive, as they were all turned into gold and sold to K-Mart, which was nearing bankruptcy. You know. Manticores have a very strong attraction to K Marts. Then, Cho Chang, a fictional character from the Harry Potter books (first appears in book 3, _Harry Potter and_ _Prisoner of Azkaban_, falls off a conveniently placed freakishly high ledge in book 8, _Dobby House-Elf and the Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Ordinary Bedside Lamp)_ declared that some guy said it was in Hoody's genes. Hoody's jeans have been repeatedly checked, so the true cause is a mystery. Only incredibly stupid humans can possess this ability. Some say, the blondes become Metal Beak, an evil owl from the Guardians of Ga'Hoole series, about a band of owls who have to save all the kingdoms and stuff like that.

Thus, Joey was swelling. Or anti-swelling. With a pop, he became a fully fledged Barn Owl with a metal mask and beak. "I am HIGH TYTO!" he shrieked.

"You're an idiot," Serenity pointed out.

"I have all answers. My purity is BETTER THAN YOURS!"

"Then what is the purpose of life?" asked Bakura. So close---

"The purpose of life," he boomed with a metallic clack! "The purpose of life is to find your purpose in life!"

Insert ANIME FALL here. This machine does not accept credit cards. Please call 8447- 686237- 3637- 668- 39478 (THIS- NUMBER- DOES- NOT- EXIST) for assistance or further details.

They anime fell so long, the front guy who was just being ugly and weird came up. "You have completed your tasks," he said.

"Wait, how do you know that?" asked Ryo.

"He's like a video game," Metal Beak explained. "He isn't very smart, but once you find the answer, you don't even need to type it in or anything; when you go to him he just knows."

"Yeah, that's pretty much it," agreed the front guy. "You may now challenge High Tyto to a duel!"

"FINALLY!" Serenity yelled. "Then I can win, and we can go to Tristan, and then take over the world (forget the "we" part on that one) and we'll be so happy---"

_After the Christmas special…_

"Yup, just after the Christmas special," she droned. "WAIT A MINUTE! What Christmas special?"

_Have a Merry Christmas! It's next chapter._

"What! After all that hard work we have to break into a Christmas special! I'm OUTRAGED! You can't do---"

BELIEVE ME I CAN, NOW FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER…---

Christmas special is coming up! it's going to be a long one though...


	16. Chapter Special! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I would like to thank all of my readers for being so patient these pastmonths ; I've been rather busy lately, and I'll be trying to get at least two chapters a month done. I'm not stopping; but my antics can go on no longer! The story is boiling down.

**Chapter Special! MERRY CHRISTMAS!**

"Deck the halls with er- I forget falalalalalaaaaa!" Tristan sang as he put up a big, green wreath. "Something, something, something in our something apparel! FALALALAA!"

"It's Christmas!" the AC of Doom said happily, dressed in festive lights and a Santa suit.

"Presents!"

"Food!"

"Love!"

"Spirit!"

"Presents!"

"Christ!"

"Yuugiou fan fictions!"

"PINK DUCKS!"

"And presents," finished Tristan. "All the things we love about Christmas."

"Who's we?" asked Rebecca. "To keep a running tab, there's me, me, Yugi's grandpa (YG), me, Yugi, me, me, me, me, Tristan, me, the Tooth Fairy, me, Santa Claus and me."

"What about me?" Leaf asked pointedly.

"Oh, I already have 'me' down," Rebecca thought aloud. "Now that we have this tab, Serenity, Ryo and High Tyto Joey will materialize..." There was a pop and all three landed in a clump next to her.

"This is no way to treat your supreme ruler! THY IMPURITY IS STAINING ME!" Metal Beak shreed as High Tyto. Oh, and Tytos are Barn owls, in case you're wondering.

"…We tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it didn't even matter!" Serenity fumed like Linkin Park. "We had to fall to lose it all! But in the end, it didn't even maaaaatter!"

"Ugh," was all Bakura said in the ancient language of comatose.

"Now for Christmas shopping!" Rebecca said thoughtfully. "We're going to murder ourselves at the mall!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tristan yelled, sinking to his knees. "I barely came out of that place with my life last year!" ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE! Christmas shopping at the mall is the natural way to control human population, making sure the stronger can continue to provide strong individuals to the human species while the weaker ones are destroyed to make way for the stronger ones. And out of the sheer connectivity, remember: A machine is special. It takes lots of work and parts to create one. But you just need other humans to make more humans. So if you ever wonder how much you're worth, just find out how much your lawnmower cost and know you're less than that.

Any who, they left for the MALL!

FOLLOWING TRISTAN---

Tristan was browsing a store called "Junk and Other Junk- _An Idiot's Paradise!_" He was wounded, but he was sure he could make it back. He was showing much interest in the items. He walked up to the guy at the register. "Hi," he said, accidentally breaking a couple inflatable dartboards from their display. "What do you think would be a good present for a long known friend?"

"Oh!" he said. He pulled out a black briefcase. "This is the best present ever. Very precious! I have long awaited the perfect heir!"

"Eh?"

"The perfect heir!" he repeated, using keys to unlock the briefcase. "The one described in prophecy:

_The hair of brownish brown,_

_A one way pointing crown,_

_Will ask for the sacred ornament,_

_In his charity of adornment!_

_To him we will give it,_

_His senses will rivet!_

_Prophecy will complete,_

_F4nB0y will be L33T!"_

"Uh?"

The man unlocked the rest of the security measures and, after putting himself in a biological protective suit with the word "NOT WORTHY" painted on it, he pulled it out.

"The Annoyer," he said in awe as he grasped the 2x5 inch package with colorful writing showing it was an official Hasbro product. "Only one was ever made. It has been kept in the Annoyment family for generations, hoping the one of Ancient Prophecy would come."

Tristan was in sheer idiotic awe. "What does it do?" he whispered.

"Once the package is opened," he began. "The receiver will forever be haunted by both a ringing doorbell AND a ringing phone at the same time during the most inopportune moments, and there will never be anyone on the line or waiting. It is powerful magic.

"Long ago, in Egypt, the power ran rampant, causing chaos to their pathetic doors and camels. It was captured by the Ancient Joker, who tamed it and placed it in this box," he pointed to it. "However, he learned if it was kept for too long, it would rust, which is never good. He then learned it could only be opened by a chosen one, and the prophecy was created. We say that the one to open it is the Ancient Joker's reincarnation, and will finally perform the Anti-rust spell." He placed the package in a plastic bag after putting on more security measures and handing it to him.

"I'm not sure I'm ready for this," Tristan said, his hand shakily outstretched before the bag. "Now I am!" He swiped it, paid $78 for it and ran, hoping not to be killed in the rampage.

"You have made a wise choice, Ancient Joker," the man said aloud before turning around to play internet poker again.

WITH SERENITY---

"Welcome to Julie's Owl Emporium!" a blonde girl who couldn't find a better job waved at Serenity as she came in. She wondered what the High Tyto might like. She stopped at a display of fire claws ("_Ruin your talons at a great low price_!"). They looked very viscous.

She kept moving, the fire claws still in her mind. "He'll simply love them!" Serenity squealed. Then she stopped. In front of her was a merchant.

"Hey pretty gi'l!" the merchant squawked. She was an old lady, resembling both a bird and a witch. She pulled out something from her pocket. "Coul' I interest you in a' ow' comb?" She pulled out a pretty tortoiseshell brush from the package. "Bir' love it, ma'a'!"

"Er," Serenity said, trying to use her "take over the world instincts." A Great Gray Owl flew down to the merchant and whispered in her ear.

"Garfunk' here says he likes it," she said. "Garfunk' why don' you ge' a lil' ow' and demonstrate, eh?"

Garfunk came back with a Barn Owl in his beak. The merchant walked up and began to comb the feathers flat. "An' they likes it, see?" Serenity didn't see, but looked at the Barn Owl who was seemingly going in a trance. She edged around to look at some beak sharpeners ("Slice open your beak and hone it to perfection at a **LOW LOW** price!") before circling back to the fire claws. She was about to reach for them when Garfunk landed on her arm.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, m'lady," he said. "I would go straight back and buy a nice little owl comb." He began brushing her hair. "Back and buy a nice little owl comb…" Suddenly, Serenity fell in a trance.

"I will take not only one, but two owl combs," she said like a zombie. "All your base are belong to us."

"That'll be eleventy dollars. See Garfunk? You silly owl think I can't sell a single thing. But noes, they always come back, right Garfunk. Silly lil' owl, you never do a thing but bring the model. See? Just say 'An' they likes it, see?' and they'd be buying it." Garfunkle took out his human comb as Serenity dozed out of the store.

"See owls?" he said as he combed her hair. "See how they like it?" A group of caged owls oohed and awed. "Human combs selling for three bits of information on the Tytonic Union of the Pure Ones! Only five for two human brushes! Selling from, Twilight, yours truly!"

WITH RYO---

"Hmm," he said as he looked through a place called "Gifts Galore!"

"So what would you like?" asked the cash register lady. "What are you looking for?"

"Well, I'd like to get a gift that isn't too expensive, but at the same time, I want it to look very thoughtful," he said. "Do you know what an obsessive teen who wishes to control the world might like?"

"I think we have something that would please her." She got up and handed Ryo a Guide to North American Salamanders.

"Eh? What does that have to do with anything I asked for?"

Suddenly she broke out her guise, revealing she was Twilight, the owl from a minute ago! He began to comb Bakura's hair, causing him to go in a trance…

"I will certainly take a Guide to North American Salamanders," he murmured like Frankenstein.

"Do you know about the Pure Ones?" he asked. "Do the words Guardians of Ga'Hoole mean anything to you?"

"Isn't that a kind of pudding?" Ryo asked, still in trance.

"Meh, forget you. The book's on the house." With a push of the talons, Ryo was sent in the flow of murderous shoppers.

WITH HIGH TYTO---

"I can't believe I have to get something for an old fart like YG," he grumbled as he walked into an antique shop. There was a big cuckoo clock with a Great Horned Owl etched in it.

"IMPURE!" he screamed. "DEATH TO THE STUPID GREAT HORNED! DEATH TO THE IMPURE!" He attacked, slicing off the head in one easy stroke.

"You break, you buy!" the salesman growled as Metal Beak ripped into the wood. He turned and screeched.

"YOU ARE IMPURE! DEATH TO YOU AND SOREN!"

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be---"

"SHUT UP! THAT'S A MAJOR SPOILER FORMING ON YOUR DISGUSTING BEAK!"

"I don't have a beak…"

"Oh yeah. You got one of those whatchamacallsits." Metal Beak yarped a dozen pellets in his fat ugly face, picked up an ancient ash tray, and fled, flying over the murderous shoppers.

WITH THE AC OF DOOM---

"I have to get something for my owner, Tristan," he thought aloud as to inform you readers what he was doing. He peered closely in a jar. If he can do that. I don't think he has eyes, actually…

"This glass jar is perfect!" And so he bought it. But…

"AC," Duke said from inside. If I don't get something for Leaf, she's going to wring out my neck."

"Cool," he said.

"Please, can we just go and buy some hamster snacks? She loves those."

"Pfft. Humans." He pushed through the crowd to Julie's Hamster Emporium.

"Woah," Duke whispered as he stood on top of Tea for a better look. There were all kinds of hamsters and supplies. "Maybe I'll get her that letterman jacket instead… Or that motorcycle, or that toaster, or that complete kitchen set…"

"Well, hurry," the AC of Doom snapped. Duke grabbed a motorcycle on the wing and paid for it hastily. But then…

"GASPOLEZ!" he yelled. "Someone stole one of my leet bracelets!"

"Glaux save us all!" the AC of Doom muttered.

"NOOOO!" Duke whined. "My bracey! His name was Steve! I admit it, HE WAS MY FAVORITE! WAHHHH!"

In the shadows of behind a hamster cage, a particular tortoiseshell hamster stood, wrapping up a bracelet she had just stolen. "Won't he be thrilled," Autumn Leaf murmured, "To see his bracelet in YG's possession?"

(Yugi, YG, and Rebecca were extremely boring and bought the regular gifts: Chocolate and books with pretty birdies)

CHRISTMAS DAY---

"Cool! I got a book with pretty birdies!" Yugi said, flipping it open and cutting out the appendix, bibliography and index.

"I got a bracelet!" YG said, throwing it into the AC of Doom.

"Bracey, you're back!" Duke cried. The AC received chocolate.

"What torture!" the AC exclaimed. "Chocolate I am unable to eat! What has come to the world?"

Leaf opened her present. "What in the name of nonexistent British Elk?" She clutched what appeared to be a very small board of gray wood.

"It's the Nintendo Super-Micro Gameboy Advance game player system," Duke said. "It comes with 'Yu-Gi-Oh: Reshef of Destruction' where many of us are turned into cute chibi pixelly characters. Quite fun."

"They're making these things smaller everyday," said Leaf. "What batteries do they use?"

"You have to charge it up with a connectable wheel, powered by hamster. See? Now you won't get fat!" Duke was immediately flying out of the AC of Doom.

"Oh noes!" Tristan yelled. "My plans are ruined and my prisoner is free!"

"Your plans were already ruined," pointed out Yugi.

"YOU'RE LUCKY IT'S CHRISTMAS!" Leaf snarled. "I NEVER MAKE MY KILLS ON CHRISTMAS!"

Suddenly, the front door was knocked down. Kaiba, his big box, the dwarf hamster, Al Kahn and Roger Slifer strolled in. "Since it's Christmas," Seto said as he walked, "We have decided to spare your lives."

"Squeaky!" squeaked the dwarf hamster, who was drunk on eggnog. "Squeaky" literally translates to "Eggnog I have, yah, yah, carrot juice."

"All your base are belong to us!" Al said randomly as he drank some eggnog from a very small tankard, obviously meant for hamsters. But, you never want to overdose on hammy eggnog.

"I'm a dragon," Slifer said, bumping into the walls. Looks like someone's been stealing from the dwarf hammy (enragement!)

They all plopped by the Christmas tree, whose lights suddenly flickered out.

"I'm feeling unnaturally kind today," Kaiba said suddenly. "Want me to find that one bulb in a zillion that makes the other tree lights go out? Should I pour the eggnog? Can I assist picking up the wrapping paper and handing out presents? THAT'S IT! I'LL BE SANTA CLAUS!" He was now shaking in a mad fever, dashing to Tristan with disoriented eyes. "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS? HaVe YoU BeEn a GoOd BoY ThIs YeAr?"

"ATTACK OF THE FRIENDLY KAIBA!" Tristan shrieked. "He's become jolly! It's Christmas syndrome! HELP ME!"

Kaiba went berserk, and ripped off his clothes to reveal a Santa suit. "You BETTER WATCH OUT!" he yelled manically before jumping out of the window and running loose in the streets like an idiot, riding his box.

Meanwhile, High Tyto ripped at his gift, muttering, "This wrapping is like the flesh of the impure. It must die!" He shredded it up in a deadly few seconds. "Eh?" He looked at his gift, an owl comb.

"I was going to get fire claws," Serenity said quickly, "But then I decided you'd like a nice owl comb." Without any assent, she began to comb High Tyto, who went into a trance immediately.

"Fresh air!" Duke said. "No more AC musty smells! I'm just so happy!" Suddenly, he kicked out his feet randomly in joy, hitting his gift, causing it to go out of the shattered window and into the talons of a deadly eagle.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Tristan yelled. "High Tyto, go get that gift!" But the owl was frozen, thinking happy thoughts- in other words, he wasn't thinking about anything at all.

Serenity opened her present. "A Guide to North American Salamanders?" she wondered. Then she turned and hugged Ryo, causing millions of shippers to use it as an excuse for the thousands of stories on about love. "I loooooooooooove salamanders!" she squealed. "Thank you so much!"

"Uh?" Ryo didn't remember anything about buying gifts. He himself got one of the original Birds of America books by James Audubon that weighed 56 pounds and cost $25,000 at the lowest.

"Well," YG said. "It's not the gift that matters. It's the not the thought that matters, because these days it's the thought that scares me. It's the loving and sheer cheesiness of my speech. Now who wants to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas? It's officially 40 years old this year!"

"HURRAY!" was the enormous response, of every Christmas spirit flowing through the air; during this very special time we have all known and loved. YG flipped in the VCR, and with a watching world, the first lovely tunes began to play their sweet comforting music.

Tristan looked at YOU. Yes, you. "Hmmm," he said. "Hi mom!—I mean; MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

Hey, that's my line! A tomato came out of nowhere and splatted Tristan in the head, causing his gaze to turn towards the screen. Well, Hark the Herald Angels Sing. Merry Christmas everyone!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!


End file.
